On Tuesday, as I wrote, I went in for a progesterone test to see if I actually ovulated or not. Though the nurse did not say what my progesterone level was, she did say she was going to call in a provera script to end my cycle.
Something inside of me told me not to pick up the prescription yet, and to wait until the weekend to take it. So, yesterday, my temp went up a little bit, and today, it shot back up to 97.9, which is around my normal post-ovulation range. I checked my cervix, and it finally dropped back down to "low" which is normal after one ovulates. If my temperature stays where it is today or goes up higher, then it's an indication that I probably ovulated on Tuesday, the day of my progesterone test. This would make sense, because the test wouldn't have picked up an increased level of progesterone yet, if I was ovulating on that day.
Of course, none of this means anything until we see what tomorrow's temperature is. But, maybe I'm not out this cycle yet. Maybe there's still a little bit of hope?
Yesterday, after going back to Philadelphia to go with my friend to her sonogram appointment, I was inspired to finally call up Johns Hopkins Fertility Center to make an appointment for a second opinion. I need to move forward. I can't just sit here and do nothing because my clinic decided to play the weight game and blame everything on that. My appointment is on October 30th. Hopefully, then, I'll have some more answers.
Anyway. I'll keep you updated.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
I would like to be normal...
I'm not sure if it's because I am going through a slump or not, but, I'm feeling rather broken again. It's a passive sort of broken. Like, in the back of my mind, I know I am busted goods, and I don't know why I'd ever be optimistic about anything.
I was hoping, after my failed IVF cycle, that I'd be able to magically go into a normal cycle and get pregnant and let it be a little miracle. It's what I desperately wanted, deep down inside. Just so I could laugh at all the crap I had to go through and realize I never had to do it in the first place.
So, this cycle, I started to take the Pregnitude supplement that Dr. P. suggested I take. This is supposed to make my cycles regular and my eggs healthier. He did say it would take two or three months to work. I was also told by the nurses that I would probably ovulate later than "normal" because of the failed IVF cycles.
If you don't remember, I started out the cycle thinking I was maybe pregnant, or that I ovulated REALLY early, because my period wasn't normal, and my temperatures were still up. The test came back negative and neither happened. No big deal! At least, that is what I thought to myself. I have the rest of the cycle, right?
Then fertility friend tells me that I ovulated on CD 22, which isn't really late for me, but then again, I ovulate all over the place and don't really have a "normal" to compare to. I am happy with this because although Brandon and I aren't really "trying" per se, I still managed to get a shot in during the fertile window. Next up? The two week wait. Two weeks go by. No period. No positive pregnancy test. I start to doubt in the middle of this wait if I ovulated at all, since my temperatures have gone up, but they aren't in my normal post-ovulation range. But, I chalked it up to being a post-IVF cycle. It's not supposed to be normal, right?
Right. Not normal at all. Three weeks go by. Still no period. Then I think maybe I really ovulated two days ago. My temperature shot up yesterday, confirming this. At least, I thought it confirmed this. But when I woke up today and took my temperature, it was low again.
And this is when I started to get angry and upset. Angry because as I logged into the chat this morning, someone else got a BFP. Someone else that isn't me. Upset because my body is playing games again.
So, I got pissed and I called up the RE. I don't care if they gave up on me. I am paying them; they are going to listen to me. I told them I wanted to come in for bloodwork so I can get some provera and start a new cycle, and I got into the clinic this morning. The blood results? All the nurse said was, "You are going to start provera." So, that means I probably didn't ovulate, and I am not pregnant.
Again.
I am going to wait until Friday to start taking it, I think. A little part of me is hoping that maybe I did JUST ovulate and it isn't showing in the bloodwork yet. But, at the same time, I don't know who I am kidding. It never works out for me. Why should this?
I don't even remember the last time I ovulated on my own, without medication.
I really just want to be normal. The bitterness is sinking in. All this hard work with losing weight and whatever is pissing me off when it's not doing anything. I stopped taking the supplement.
I just want to shut off.
I was hoping, after my failed IVF cycle, that I'd be able to magically go into a normal cycle and get pregnant and let it be a little miracle. It's what I desperately wanted, deep down inside. Just so I could laugh at all the crap I had to go through and realize I never had to do it in the first place.
So, this cycle, I started to take the Pregnitude supplement that Dr. P. suggested I take. This is supposed to make my cycles regular and my eggs healthier. He did say it would take two or three months to work. I was also told by the nurses that I would probably ovulate later than "normal" because of the failed IVF cycles.
If you don't remember, I started out the cycle thinking I was maybe pregnant, or that I ovulated REALLY early, because my period wasn't normal, and my temperatures were still up. The test came back negative and neither happened. No big deal! At least, that is what I thought to myself. I have the rest of the cycle, right?
Then fertility friend tells me that I ovulated on CD 22, which isn't really late for me, but then again, I ovulate all over the place and don't really have a "normal" to compare to. I am happy with this because although Brandon and I aren't really "trying" per se, I still managed to get a shot in during the fertile window. Next up? The two week wait. Two weeks go by. No period. No positive pregnancy test. I start to doubt in the middle of this wait if I ovulated at all, since my temperatures have gone up, but they aren't in my normal post-ovulation range. But, I chalked it up to being a post-IVF cycle. It's not supposed to be normal, right?
Right. Not normal at all. Three weeks go by. Still no period. Then I think maybe I really ovulated two days ago. My temperature shot up yesterday, confirming this. At least, I thought it confirmed this. But when I woke up today and took my temperature, it was low again.
And this is when I started to get angry and upset. Angry because as I logged into the chat this morning, someone else got a BFP. Someone else that isn't me. Upset because my body is playing games again.
So, I got pissed and I called up the RE. I don't care if they gave up on me. I am paying them; they are going to listen to me. I told them I wanted to come in for bloodwork so I can get some provera and start a new cycle, and I got into the clinic this morning. The blood results? All the nurse said was, "You are going to start provera." So, that means I probably didn't ovulate, and I am not pregnant.
Again.
I am going to wait until Friday to start taking it, I think. A little part of me is hoping that maybe I did JUST ovulate and it isn't showing in the bloodwork yet. But, at the same time, I don't know who I am kidding. It never works out for me. Why should this?
I don't even remember the last time I ovulated on my own, without medication.
I really just want to be normal. The bitterness is sinking in. All this hard work with losing weight and whatever is pissing me off when it's not doing anything. I stopped taking the supplement.
I just want to shut off.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Checking In
It's been a while since I posted, so I thought I'd check in and let those of you who are still following this blog know how things are going.
Since the WTF appointment, I've been pretty relaxed. I didn't think about TTC at all and avoided fertility friend, for the most part. I was temping here and there, but nothing consistent. I really felt great not being bound by everything I was before.
And then I started to realize that while I am generally doing okay, that there's a little part of darkness in me that is festering and growing. I don't know if I am angry or sad, but it hurts from time to time. Some days, it is better than others. Most days, I should say, it is better than others. But on the days where it hits me like a ton of bricks, it's not okay.
Tonight, it's hit me like a ton of bricks.
I feel angry. I am angry at myself. I'm angry that I don't work the way most women do, and because of that, I'm suffering.
I feel abandoned. I feel like my clinic gave up on me, sent me home and told me to lose weight because there's nothing else left for me to do.
I feel annoyed. I get annoyed with people who put their hopes and dreams into ART (artificial reproductive technology) because I put my hopes and dreams into it, and it failed me five times, not including my clomid cycles.
I feel cheated. I feel cheated because I'm 27 and relatively healthy, and there should be no reason why I can't get pregnant when there are people who are older and weigh more than I do, and they get pregnant just fine.
I feel left behind. It's hard listening to everyone talk about their kids. It's hard seeing the happy baby bump pictures and baby update posts on facebook.
And I feel sad. In October, it will be two years. Two years ago, I stopped my birth control pills. I never thought that I'd still be child-less two years later. I keep thinking about all the times I've told myself, "Well, next Thanksgiving, we'll have a baby with us" or "This summer, I'll be pregnant" and then Thanksgiving passes by...and Christmas...and summers...and I have nothing to show for it. And although I've never had a child, I still feel like I'm missing something on those days. Sometimes, I even feel like on top of failing myself, I'm failing others as well.
I've gotten better at accepting the fact that this is never going to be easy for me. I even wonder if it will ever happen at all. But whenever I see a mother and her child, or a pregnant woman, or hear about it...it stings. Deep down, it hurts.
I think, what I might do, is call up the clinic tomorrow and get my charts from them. Then, I'm going to go to Shady Grove or Johns Hopkins and seek another opinion. I've been putting it off because, truthfully, I'm not ready to go back into IVF. But I am also growing uncomfortable with wasting my time. I've been trying to ignore this as well, the whole feeling like me not doing anything is ultimately wasting more time, when I could be doing SOMETHING. I have to center myself again, and remind myself that I am doing something by getting myself in a healthier place, even if, right in this moment, I don't believe that for a moment.
Anyway. I had to get up out of bed to get all of this out of my head and on to paper, so to speak. I feel a little better, I suppose.
I hope I can check back in with some good news at some point.
Since the WTF appointment, I've been pretty relaxed. I didn't think about TTC at all and avoided fertility friend, for the most part. I was temping here and there, but nothing consistent. I really felt great not being bound by everything I was before.
And then I started to realize that while I am generally doing okay, that there's a little part of darkness in me that is festering and growing. I don't know if I am angry or sad, but it hurts from time to time. Some days, it is better than others. Most days, I should say, it is better than others. But on the days where it hits me like a ton of bricks, it's not okay.
Tonight, it's hit me like a ton of bricks.
I feel angry. I am angry at myself. I'm angry that I don't work the way most women do, and because of that, I'm suffering.
I feel abandoned. I feel like my clinic gave up on me, sent me home and told me to lose weight because there's nothing else left for me to do.
I feel annoyed. I get annoyed with people who put their hopes and dreams into ART (artificial reproductive technology) because I put my hopes and dreams into it, and it failed me five times, not including my clomid cycles.
I feel cheated. I feel cheated because I'm 27 and relatively healthy, and there should be no reason why I can't get pregnant when there are people who are older and weigh more than I do, and they get pregnant just fine.
I feel left behind. It's hard listening to everyone talk about their kids. It's hard seeing the happy baby bump pictures and baby update posts on facebook.
And I feel sad. In October, it will be two years. Two years ago, I stopped my birth control pills. I never thought that I'd still be child-less two years later. I keep thinking about all the times I've told myself, "Well, next Thanksgiving, we'll have a baby with us" or "This summer, I'll be pregnant" and then Thanksgiving passes by...and Christmas...and summers...and I have nothing to show for it. And although I've never had a child, I still feel like I'm missing something on those days. Sometimes, I even feel like on top of failing myself, I'm failing others as well.
I've gotten better at accepting the fact that this is never going to be easy for me. I even wonder if it will ever happen at all. But whenever I see a mother and her child, or a pregnant woman, or hear about it...it stings. Deep down, it hurts.
I think, what I might do, is call up the clinic tomorrow and get my charts from them. Then, I'm going to go to Shady Grove or Johns Hopkins and seek another opinion. I've been putting it off because, truthfully, I'm not ready to go back into IVF. But I am also growing uncomfortable with wasting my time. I've been trying to ignore this as well, the whole feeling like me not doing anything is ultimately wasting more time, when I could be doing SOMETHING. I have to center myself again, and remind myself that I am doing something by getting myself in a healthier place, even if, right in this moment, I don't believe that for a moment.
Anyway. I had to get up out of bed to get all of this out of my head and on to paper, so to speak. I feel a little better, I suppose.
I hope I can check back in with some good news at some point.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Repeat Beta: Fail
The beta came back negative, which was to be expected. So, I'm not really upset. It was a nice little dream to have, but alas!
Back to losing weight and getting healthier!
Back to losing weight and getting healthier!
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Confusing - TMI Post
This post is going to be a little TMI, so sorry if you are my family or someone who just doesn't want to know about TMI stuff...just close this window out now and don't read any further. Ahaha.
Now that you've been warned...
Things are a bit off. I googled like a man woman for stories that resembled mine, but was driving myself crazy doing it. I really don't like calling up the nurses and asking them questions, because I feel really stupid when I do. But, I sucked it up and called the nurse, and now I am glad that I did.
The convo went something like this:
Me: Hello. I am calling with a question and to make sure everything is okay with me.
Nurse: Sure, go ahead!
Me: After my last IVF cycle, I had a really heavy period and passed very large clots, but this cycle, it was a very, very light flow, and I spotted before and after the period. Then, I took my temperature this morning and realized that my temperature has never dropped from last cycle.
Nurse: *concerned* Oooh. Um, let me go get your chart.
(Before I continue, just to explain, after you take progesterone, your lining in your uterus is VERY thick. Therefore, it is normal for a woman to pass very large clots after a failed IVF cycle because you are taking very large doses of progesterone. As far as the temperatures go, your BBT temperatures go up after ovulation and drops the day or so before, or the day of your period. This is because your progesterone drops which causes a woman's uterus to shed the lining. If your temperature doesn't drop past when your period is due, though, it's a sign of a possible pregnancy.)
Nurse: Okay. So it's been two weeks since your pregnancy test. And your period wasn't normal?
Me: No.
Nurse: And your progesterone at the time of the test was 18, which means it should have dropped by now. No, this is not normal at all.
Me: Do you think it's possible that I ovulated really early?
Nurse: Ehhhh. In my experience, women tend to ovulate later after a failed IVF cycle, not earlier. I want you to come in for another pregnancy test tomorrow. It is a machine, after all, so anything can happen. I am glad you called, though, because this is definitely not normal.
Me: I was driving myself insane with Google, so I finally decided to call in instead. Well, I will see you tomorrow!
Nurse: See you tomorrow morning!
...what?
So...all of this, after I have mourned and gotten over the failure of the last IVF, just to have to go back to the doctor and experience it all over again? UGH.
On the same hand...I want to know what is going on with my body. And my feet have started swelling again, but I think that might be from all the sitting I've been doing with going to meetings for most of my day. That, and I've not been interesting in eating lately, even when I'm hungry.
I'm not optimistic at all. My luck, I'm just a freak of nature and this is all some cruel joke.
Also? Sorry for the TMI. But, I believe I warned you all before you started reading this blog, so DEAL WITH IT. ;)
Now that you've been warned...
Things are a bit off. I googled like a man woman for stories that resembled mine, but was driving myself crazy doing it. I really don't like calling up the nurses and asking them questions, because I feel really stupid when I do. But, I sucked it up and called the nurse, and now I am glad that I did.
The convo went something like this:
Me: Hello. I am calling with a question and to make sure everything is okay with me.
Nurse: Sure, go ahead!
Me: After my last IVF cycle, I had a really heavy period and passed very large clots, but this cycle, it was a very, very light flow, and I spotted before and after the period. Then, I took my temperature this morning and realized that my temperature has never dropped from last cycle.
Nurse: *concerned* Oooh. Um, let me go get your chart.
(Before I continue, just to explain, after you take progesterone, your lining in your uterus is VERY thick. Therefore, it is normal for a woman to pass very large clots after a failed IVF cycle because you are taking very large doses of progesterone. As far as the temperatures go, your BBT temperatures go up after ovulation and drops the day or so before, or the day of your period. This is because your progesterone drops which causes a woman's uterus to shed the lining. If your temperature doesn't drop past when your period is due, though, it's a sign of a possible pregnancy.)
Nurse: Okay. So it's been two weeks since your pregnancy test. And your period wasn't normal?
Me: No.
Nurse: And your progesterone at the time of the test was 18, which means it should have dropped by now. No, this is not normal at all.
Me: Do you think it's possible that I ovulated really early?
Nurse: Ehhhh. In my experience, women tend to ovulate later after a failed IVF cycle, not earlier. I want you to come in for another pregnancy test tomorrow. It is a machine, after all, so anything can happen. I am glad you called, though, because this is definitely not normal.
Me: I was driving myself insane with Google, so I finally decided to call in instead. Well, I will see you tomorrow!
Nurse: See you tomorrow morning!
...what?
So...all of this, after I have mourned and gotten over the failure of the last IVF, just to have to go back to the doctor and experience it all over again? UGH.
On the same hand...I want to know what is going on with my body. And my feet have started swelling again, but I think that might be from all the sitting I've been doing with going to meetings for most of my day. That, and I've not been interesting in eating lately, even when I'm hungry.
I'm not optimistic at all. My luck, I'm just a freak of nature and this is all some cruel joke.
Also? Sorry for the TMI. But, I believe I warned you all before you started reading this blog, so DEAL WITH IT. ;)
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Being Happy for Other People
One of the hardest things to deal with during infertility treatment is watching as everyone else gets pregnant but you. Of course, in perspective, this is not true. Not EVERYONE is getting pregnant. In fact, lots of women are facing infertility issues, it's not just me. But, when you are going through this, it just FEELS like everyone else is getting pregnant but you, and not only are they getting pregnant, but most of the time, they weren't even really trying in the first place. Not like I am trying. They aren't charting and temping and getting ultrasounds and blood draws every morning...but yet, they get pregnant, and me? I don't.
The last major meltdown I had over someone getting pregnant was when one of my friends announced she was having twins. It came as a blow, as I was just told by my clinic at the time that I'd have to wait two months to receive any treatment at all. I was devastated. It might sound a little ridiculous, but I even took off of work because I was too sad to go in. I had a really hard time being around her for most of her pregnancy, as it only reminded me of what I didn't have. Eventually, though, I had to suck it up, because I wasn't being fair to myself, nor was I being fair to her, and though it literally took me MONTHS to cope, I managed, and I am truly happy for her and her boys now. I can't wait to see them.
Since that time, I've had three unsuccessful IUIs and two unsuccessful IVFs. My situation has become a little more despairing. Before, I was hopeful for the treatment to come, and now, I am wondering what options are left for me when I've pretty much used up the ones available.
Last week, toward the middle of the week, I came to the realization that the second IVF did not work. In disappointment and grief, I posted in my blog, putting my heart and raw emotion out there for everyone to see. For the second time, I've had a LIFE put into me, an embryo, my little piece of me and my husband, and for the second time, I've failed to nurture it and let it die. It's a horrible feeling. It truly is.
I didn't know, at that time, that my best friend, Corrine, a girl who has seen me at my worse, one who has been there for me through everything and more...was reading my blog too. And I didn't know, at the time, that she was pregnant and terrified of telling me.
I didn't know that she had called my other best friend, Gina, in tears, asking her how she is possibly going to tell me now, after I've failed another IVF. They've debated on if it should have been something to say face-to-face or not. They lamented over what to do.
Finally, Corrine decided to tell my husband. She had him call her while he was at work, and she told him the news. My husband told her that he'd handle it, and when he hung up the phone, I'm sure all Corrine could do was hold her breath and wait.
My husband came home from work early. He put away his things, then came into the living room and said very plainly, "I am going to tell you something, and it is going to make you upset, but you're going to have to keep it together." My very first thought was that he was fired from his job, since he was home early and had been complaining about work all week. But, he said that wasn't it. And as I tried to figure out what else could possibly make me upset, he said, "Corrine is pregnant."
And my heart broke.
My husband didn't know that I had spent that morning crying, trying to get over the fact that my IVF was a failure. I finally reached a place where I was okay with this. A place of acceptance. And then he comes home with this news.
My first reaction was shock. My second reaction was to think, "But she wasn't really trying..." And my third reaction, which I said while breaking down into tears was, "This isn't fair."
It was only after I said this that my husband told me to come over to him, and he held me and let me cry it out. But, as I was crying, I realized that no amount of tears was going to change my situation. And worse off, my best friend was afraid of telling me something that she should have been proud about, not worried about how I was going to handle it. I wasn't being fair to myself, nor was I being fair to Corrine.
I didn't take long to recover. I spoke with Corrine and let her know that she didn't have to feel like she was walking on eggshells with me, and that although I was having a hard time of it then, I was truly happy for her. And I am. I'm beyond happy for her. It still hurts that she kept something so wonderful from me for a month or so, and it hurts even more that I was the reason for that. But her intentions were in the right place. She was being so selfless.
A couple of days later, she invited me to go to her doctor's appointment with her to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time. I was so touched by the offer, and I was confident in myself that I could handle it as well.
I drove all the way back to Philadelphia to be there bright and early Monday morning so I could go with Corrine and her husband to her doctor's appointment. While I sat in the waiting room, I thought to myself that this will be me one day, but today is not my day. It's Corrine's day. When it is my day, I'm sure Corrine would do the same for me, and just be there.
Driving two hours back home was worth the thirty seconds of hearing that baby's heartbeat on the doppler, let me tell you. I would have driven halfway across the country for that.
It's not easy when everyone else is getting pregnant but you. It's not easy to keep thinking to yourself, "Well, maybe this time next year, I will have my own baby," only to get to this time next year and still have nothing. It's a horrible, horrible feeling. The biggest obstacle is learning how to overcome this feeling, though, and learning how to tell yourself that your time will come...eventually.
Until then, though, I need to genuinely learn how to be happy for other people when they share their news about their babies. Corrine won't be the last of my friends to get pregnant. I'm sure there will be others who will reach this place in their lives before I do. So, I can't keep beating myself up about it. Sure, it's not fair. Sure, it sucks. But for them, it's a beautiful thing, and I shouldn't minimize it just because I can't have it for myself right now.
In six months, my best friend will have her own bundle of joy, and I'm going to be there for her through it all, because I love her, and love transcends everything that I'm going through.
The last major meltdown I had over someone getting pregnant was when one of my friends announced she was having twins. It came as a blow, as I was just told by my clinic at the time that I'd have to wait two months to receive any treatment at all. I was devastated. It might sound a little ridiculous, but I even took off of work because I was too sad to go in. I had a really hard time being around her for most of her pregnancy, as it only reminded me of what I didn't have. Eventually, though, I had to suck it up, because I wasn't being fair to myself, nor was I being fair to her, and though it literally took me MONTHS to cope, I managed, and I am truly happy for her and her boys now. I can't wait to see them.
Since that time, I've had three unsuccessful IUIs and two unsuccessful IVFs. My situation has become a little more despairing. Before, I was hopeful for the treatment to come, and now, I am wondering what options are left for me when I've pretty much used up the ones available.
Last week, toward the middle of the week, I came to the realization that the second IVF did not work. In disappointment and grief, I posted in my blog, putting my heart and raw emotion out there for everyone to see. For the second time, I've had a LIFE put into me, an embryo, my little piece of me and my husband, and for the second time, I've failed to nurture it and let it die. It's a horrible feeling. It truly is.
I didn't know, at that time, that my best friend, Corrine, a girl who has seen me at my worse, one who has been there for me through everything and more...was reading my blog too. And I didn't know, at the time, that she was pregnant and terrified of telling me.
I didn't know that she had called my other best friend, Gina, in tears, asking her how she is possibly going to tell me now, after I've failed another IVF. They've debated on if it should have been something to say face-to-face or not. They lamented over what to do.
Finally, Corrine decided to tell my husband. She had him call her while he was at work, and she told him the news. My husband told her that he'd handle it, and when he hung up the phone, I'm sure all Corrine could do was hold her breath and wait.
My husband came home from work early. He put away his things, then came into the living room and said very plainly, "I am going to tell you something, and it is going to make you upset, but you're going to have to keep it together." My very first thought was that he was fired from his job, since he was home early and had been complaining about work all week. But, he said that wasn't it. And as I tried to figure out what else could possibly make me upset, he said, "Corrine is pregnant."
And my heart broke.
My husband didn't know that I had spent that morning crying, trying to get over the fact that my IVF was a failure. I finally reached a place where I was okay with this. A place of acceptance. And then he comes home with this news.
My first reaction was shock. My second reaction was to think, "But she wasn't really trying..." And my third reaction, which I said while breaking down into tears was, "This isn't fair."
It was only after I said this that my husband told me to come over to him, and he held me and let me cry it out. But, as I was crying, I realized that no amount of tears was going to change my situation. And worse off, my best friend was afraid of telling me something that she should have been proud about, not worried about how I was going to handle it. I wasn't being fair to myself, nor was I being fair to Corrine.
I didn't take long to recover. I spoke with Corrine and let her know that she didn't have to feel like she was walking on eggshells with me, and that although I was having a hard time of it then, I was truly happy for her. And I am. I'm beyond happy for her. It still hurts that she kept something so wonderful from me for a month or so, and it hurts even more that I was the reason for that. But her intentions were in the right place. She was being so selfless.
A couple of days later, she invited me to go to her doctor's appointment with her to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time. I was so touched by the offer, and I was confident in myself that I could handle it as well.
I drove all the way back to Philadelphia to be there bright and early Monday morning so I could go with Corrine and her husband to her doctor's appointment. While I sat in the waiting room, I thought to myself that this will be me one day, but today is not my day. It's Corrine's day. When it is my day, I'm sure Corrine would do the same for me, and just be there.
Driving two hours back home was worth the thirty seconds of hearing that baby's heartbeat on the doppler, let me tell you. I would have driven halfway across the country for that.
It's not easy when everyone else is getting pregnant but you. It's not easy to keep thinking to yourself, "Well, maybe this time next year, I will have my own baby," only to get to this time next year and still have nothing. It's a horrible, horrible feeling. The biggest obstacle is learning how to overcome this feeling, though, and learning how to tell yourself that your time will come...eventually.
Until then, though, I need to genuinely learn how to be happy for other people when they share their news about their babies. Corrine won't be the last of my friends to get pregnant. I'm sure there will be others who will reach this place in their lives before I do. So, I can't keep beating myself up about it. Sure, it's not fair. Sure, it sucks. But for them, it's a beautiful thing, and I shouldn't minimize it just because I can't have it for myself right now.
In six months, my best friend will have her own bundle of joy, and I'm going to be there for her through it all, because I love her, and love transcends everything that I'm going through.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
The WTF Appointment
I met with Dr. P. to discuss what we can do to prepare for the next IVF. This is pretty much how it was broken down...
1) My Eggs Suck: He didn't say this so bluntly, but it's pretty much what he was trying to say. In fact, they are starting to believe that I might not have even ovulated early the first IVF round. He instead thinks, in retrospect, that the eggs are dying before they can get to them, and the follicles are collapsing, as they would after ovulation. The eggs that they are getting aren't of the best quality, either. All together, they got six eggs from both cycles. Out of the six eggs, three of them ended up polyspermy, an indicator of poor egg quality since the eggs aren't acting the way they are supposed to after being fertilized with one sperm. They are letting other sperm in after that.
The solution?
2) Lose Weight: This is priority. He wants me to take these months off to focus on losing weight, which I'm fine with. I've already come down to this realization. He explained it to me like this: When I am taking my injections, the medicine has to travel through fatty tissue before it gets into my system and to my ovaries. The more fatty tissue there is, the longer it takes for the medicine to get to my ovaries. It's not being as effective as it can be because it has to go all that extra way to get there. This goes for both the injections and for my normal hormones. If I can cut down this fat, then I am creating less of an obstacle for the hormones to travel, and my body should respond the way it should to the injections and to my natural hormones. It will also improve my egg quality at the end of everything.
3) Take a Supplement Called Pregnitude: Pregnitude is a new supplement that is still being studied. In it's one official study, though, it has improved ovulatory function, menstrual cyclicity, and quality of eggs. Basically, it's a crap ton of folic acid and Myo-Inositol, which supposedly acts like Metformin. Dr. P. wants me to take this for at least two months before we move head. So, at the least, I am waiting two months for my next IVF cycle, if not more. He really believes in this stuff, so I am hoping it works.
On the flip side, he said that I am stopping the dexmethasone, and I won't be taking Metformin like the nurse said I would be. He said I'm not insulin resistant, so there's no reason for me to take it now, but he will have me take it during my IVF cycle. The dexmethasone wasn't doing anything, and he doesn't want me to be on it much longer because it thins the bones and because of complications like Cushing's Syndrome. He also said it won't help me lose weight.
As for the immunology testing, he said that his clinic doesn't test for it anymore, and he doesn't think it's a factor for my situation. The treatment for such things include dexmethasone, and since that hasn't done anything for me anyway, he really doesn't think it's the issue at hand. So, I won't press that any further, as I don't see a reason to.
So, that's pretty much it. I went to the gym on the way home today to renew my membership, only to find it has never been cancelled. Which is strange...because I can't find it being charged to any of my cards...soooooo....whatever! I'll start a new gym routine to go along with my diet and hope for the best. :)
1) My Eggs Suck: He didn't say this so bluntly, but it's pretty much what he was trying to say. In fact, they are starting to believe that I might not have even ovulated early the first IVF round. He instead thinks, in retrospect, that the eggs are dying before they can get to them, and the follicles are collapsing, as they would after ovulation. The eggs that they are getting aren't of the best quality, either. All together, they got six eggs from both cycles. Out of the six eggs, three of them ended up polyspermy, an indicator of poor egg quality since the eggs aren't acting the way they are supposed to after being fertilized with one sperm. They are letting other sperm in after that.
The solution?
2) Lose Weight: This is priority. He wants me to take these months off to focus on losing weight, which I'm fine with. I've already come down to this realization. He explained it to me like this: When I am taking my injections, the medicine has to travel through fatty tissue before it gets into my system and to my ovaries. The more fatty tissue there is, the longer it takes for the medicine to get to my ovaries. It's not being as effective as it can be because it has to go all that extra way to get there. This goes for both the injections and for my normal hormones. If I can cut down this fat, then I am creating less of an obstacle for the hormones to travel, and my body should respond the way it should to the injections and to my natural hormones. It will also improve my egg quality at the end of everything.
3) Take a Supplement Called Pregnitude: Pregnitude is a new supplement that is still being studied. In it's one official study, though, it has improved ovulatory function, menstrual cyclicity, and quality of eggs. Basically, it's a crap ton of folic acid and Myo-Inositol, which supposedly acts like Metformin. Dr. P. wants me to take this for at least two months before we move head. So, at the least, I am waiting two months for my next IVF cycle, if not more. He really believes in this stuff, so I am hoping it works.
On the flip side, he said that I am stopping the dexmethasone, and I won't be taking Metformin like the nurse said I would be. He said I'm not insulin resistant, so there's no reason for me to take it now, but he will have me take it during my IVF cycle. The dexmethasone wasn't doing anything, and he doesn't want me to be on it much longer because it thins the bones and because of complications like Cushing's Syndrome. He also said it won't help me lose weight.
As for the immunology testing, he said that his clinic doesn't test for it anymore, and he doesn't think it's a factor for my situation. The treatment for such things include dexmethasone, and since that hasn't done anything for me anyway, he really doesn't think it's the issue at hand. So, I won't press that any further, as I don't see a reason to.
So, that's pretty much it. I went to the gym on the way home today to renew my membership, only to find it has never been cancelled. Which is strange...because I can't find it being charged to any of my cards...soooooo....whatever! I'll start a new gym routine to go along with my diet and hope for the best. :)
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