Achieving Mother's Day: Words of Encouragement

Today is my first Mother's Day, and God knows how hard I've worked to get here. But I also know that I went through two other Mother's Days when I thought that being a mother would never, ever happen.

The first Mother's Day that passed by, I wasn't too upset.  At that time, I had only been trying for about a half a year, just at the point when I realized that I needed some extra assistance. Six months is average. Six months to a year, but I could already tell that my body wasn't going to do it on its own, and so could my OB at the time. So, I told myself that next Mother's Day, it'd all be worth it.

Except, that a year later, when next Mother's Day came, I was prepping for my first IVF treatment. I had just started the IVF cycle, and I was still learning how to do the daily injections. Three of them, every day, in my stomach. I recall asking myself over and over again how I ended up there. I remember crying night after night wondering how a 27 year old gets to the point when she needs this much extra help getting pregnant. I mean, hell. Women my age were easily achieving pregnancy all the time, why couldn't I?

That was a rough Mother's Day.

While I am overjoyed to be able to celebrate Mother's Day today, I know there are lots of women who read this blog and are still on their infertility journey to motherhood. I know that they are taking their shots, going to their multiple appointments a week, waking up from their egg retrievals and wondering when will it be their turn. When, God, will it be their turn?

This week was the second anniversary of my friend's husband's passing away. He died serving our country, and not a day has gone by that I don't think about the sort of pain and grief that she must go through. But, on his Angel Day, she posted this, and I thought was more than appropriate for my mommies-to-be out there to keep in mind as they too go through a sort of grieving:

God won't protect you from what he can perfect you through.

Remember this. Remember that right now, you are being perfected. Right now, your journey is serving a purpose. It is shaping you to be a better mother, whether it is for the very first time, or whether you've been a mother before. With each struggle we endure, we are further being prepared for a role we so desperately want to fill, one that we'd never take advantage of. With each struggle, we become closer to bringing a much wanted life into this world, one that we won't ever stop loving. One that has chosen us, from all the other mothers he or she could of chosen, because we wanted him or her so much.

Our pain has a purpose. You are NOT suffering needlessly. One day, you are going to be a mother. 

A work friend of mine, who has also struggled through infertility, and who has decided after multiple IVF rounds that she wasn't going to go that route anymore, is now holding her new, one month old adopted, newborn son. Her drive to become a mother didn't end, she just changed the means to get there. Family doesn't always happen the way we thought it was going to happen, and there are plenty of people who luckily will never have to know what it feels like to accept that you had to take a different path. But your path is going to lead you there. I promise you it will. 

So, happy Mother's Day to you, ladies, even if you do not think of yourself as mothers yet. You were mothers the day you decided that you'd do whatever it takes for your child -- a child you may not yet have, but you will have one day soon. You sacrificed your pre-motherhood lives the moment you decided that your child was more important and worth the pain you'd go through to get him or her. So, do not be too sad today. You will get there. You are going to get there. 

Stay strong.

Baby Kicks!

On Sunday night, for the first time, I was able to feel the baby move from the OUTSIDE. He was wiggling around in his normal spot, so I pushed down slightly with my hand and kept it there. And then? KICK! A kick! 

I totally flipped out and was so exciting, but the baby stopped before the husband could try to feel it. That's okay, because I know it's early, and he probably wouldn't even be comfortable with pushing on my tummy to feel it. 

But still. Another milestone! :)

18 Week Appointment

Usually, my appointments are on Tuesdays, so, when I called the office this morning to verify the time tomorrow, they informed me that my appointment was actually...well, fifteen minutes ago from when I called. Oops. I usually put these things in my phone, but I was so annoyed when I left last time, I forgot.

They were nice enough (even if Ms. Thang on the phone still gave me attitude) to schedule me at 11 a.m. since there were no more appointments that week.

The nurse weighed me (I gained a whole pound, everyone!) and then looked for my baby's heartbeat with the doppler. I had orange juice before I went there, so my boy was bouncing all over the place. I told her where he has been kicking, and it took her a little bit to get a reading on the doppler, not because we couldn't find the heartbeat, but because he wouldn't stay in one place long enough for the heart rate to register. He kept kicking and blowing the speaker out, then swimming away. Punk boy.

This time around, I saw one of the OBs and not the midwife. I am glad. From the moment she walked in, her whole attitude was different. I felt much more comfortable with her, and she was appreciative of what it took for me to get there, since her sister and sister-in-law both went through IVF to get their babies.

Anyway, my uterus is measuring just fine, and she said my weight gain (of a whole pound!) was okay because my baby only weighs about a pound. She's happy to hear my son is very active too. She gave me the paperwork to schedule my anatomy scan in a couple of weeks, and I'm also going to see a genetic counselor about taking antidepressants during my pregnancy. I asked the OB if extra scans will be done to make sure his weight is appropriate, since the drug I am on can cause low birth weight for babies and she said that they will be able to tell me more at my anatomy scan and the counselor will let me know if I will be having more scans between now and a couple of months from now to keep an eye on baby's weight. The OB mentioned that when patients are on Zoloft (which I am not) that they usually do more fetal echocardiographs to keep an eye on the heart, so that might also be what they might do for me.

I opted to get the quad screen done, which checks for genetic abnormalities (I'm too lazy to list them out). I was going to pass on it, since my NT scan came back okay, but the doctor told me that it checks on some other genetic disorders that the NT scan doesn't. So, why not?

She also told me that I should wait until the third trimester to get my pertussis vaccination so it will pass to the baby, who will get another one when he's born. So, B and I will be doing that in a couple of months as well.

All-in-all, everything is looking really well! Another appointment down. :)

17 Week Update!

It's been a little while since I've written a proper update, so here goes!

My son (and it is so strange saying that) moves around ALL the time. His favorite times to move around are in the afternoon while I am teaching, and in the evening, when I am watching TV or playing xbox. I have been blessed enough to have started to feel his movements very early, around 13 weeks for sure, but now it's much more present and intense, and they instantly remind me of why I went through all I did to get here.

In my excitement after finding out the sex of our baby, I went home and bought his "take home" outfit for when we are released from the hospital. Of course, I chose a Ravens outfit, since B insisted he wear a jersey coming home. Unfortunately, they don't make newborn sized jerseys, so this will have to do:

We are still working on finding a name for our baby boy. I only had a girl name picked out, and we were never set on a boy name. We found a name over the weekend that means "fighter" and we both really like it, so it's at the top of our list right now. We are not sharing names with our family or friends because our family is very, very vocal, and we don't want to hear everyone's opinions on the name we chose. They will find out the baby's name when he is born. :) So, please don't ask us about names, because we aren't going to give them up!

I am officially showing to the point where there is no more covering it up. At all. Sometimes, I struggle with this and reminding myself that I am not "fat" but "round and pregnant." Might sound strange to some people, but when a person already struggles with their body image, it's difficult to see your body change so much. I've taken to embracing my bump, though, and though sometimes I might change into twenty different outfits before I leave the house, I at least leave the house happy.

Here I am at 17 weeks:

We have chosen a doula, and she's coming over on Mother's Day (which I didn't realize it was!) to discuss our upcoming journey together. She used to be a labor and delivery nurse for many years, and wanted to become a doula because she wanted to work closer to mothers during their special time, and couldn't in her nurse position. She has also struggled with infertility, so she knows how important all of my choices are to me. She is technically a doula-in-training and offers a much cheaper fee than a certified doula, which is a happy middle ground for my husband and I. Doulas-in-training need to attend a certain amount of birthings before they can become certified, so I am happy to contribute to that!

I think that's all, really! I'm sure I have more to write, but I didn't eat breakfast yet, and I am starving. And since I'm not usually hungry at all, I seize the moments when I am and run with them. :)

16w3d: I Have a Son!

We had our elective gender scan yesterday, and without much further delay, IT'S A BOY! :)

And he is QUITE the boy:

Needless to say, my husband is very proud of himself. The tech let us see and listen to the heartbeat first, which was neat because now you can see all four chambers of the heart beating. It's just amazing how much babies grow in such a short period of time. The baby squirmed this way and that when she was trying to get to the heartbeat, which was funny.

Next, she said, "Let's go straight to the goods!" As soon as she dragged the doppler around, I could see we were clearly having a boy. I don't think my husband quite understood what he was looking at, at first, but I picked up on it right away. When she announced the gender and pointed to the penis, B lit up like a Christmas tree.

She showed us some 3D/4D photos of the baby boy with his hands over his ears, acting like we were disturbing him (which, I am sure we were). Such a petulant little thing so far. :)

While we were watching the baby, B reached over and grabbed my arm, and for my husband, who is pretty much as emotionless as a man can be, I could tell he was over the moon. As much as I wanted a girl, I am really glad we are having a boy. It means a lot to my husband in ways I probably won't ever understand, due to the fact he didn't really have a good father figure growing up.

I called my dad afterwards and told him he was having a grandson. His reaction was priceless as well. He kept saying, "You are sure? There's no questioning it?" And I replied back, "Trust me, there's no questioning it." He was very happy too.

My mom was a little disappointed if only because she kept trying to tell me that it's not normal for people to find out the sex for their first baby. I'm 100% sure that she makes things up sometimes. She and my sister wanted it to be a surprise, but I don't think they realized there is no way that it'd ever be a surprise unless they never spoke to me again until October and chose to opt out on the baby shower and the like.

Anyway, here are some more pictures of our son. The one on top is of him smiling and covering his ears, and the one on the bottom is of him being clearly annoyed that we are bothering him.

15 Weeks: Going Strong!

Well, I've hit 15 weeks! Yay! I'm so excited to be here, and I am so thankful for every day I get to experience this pregnancy. After suffering from infertility and so many failures, it is hard for a woman to be truly comfortable in her pregnancy. To trust it. To trust our bodies to do what they are supposed to do when they weren't before.

I have been very reluctant to buy any maternity clothes or baby supplies because of this. I know there are women out there who have bought these things before they were even pregnant, maybe because it gave them hope, but to me, it felt like I'd be jinxing it if I did so. I didn't want that symbol of crushed hope looming over me, so I never bough either. Hell, I got mad at myself for purchasing What to Expect When You Are Expecting before I was pregnant, and I had to hide it after every failure I faced.

Last week, a friend told me about the upcoming "Totswap" at the local fairgrounds that would happen over the weekend. She is a week ahead of me and was going to check out their maternity clothes and maybe some baby items. At first, I hesitated about going myself. Again, I didn't want to jinx anything, and surely, going to a consignment sale with a ton of other "real" moms would be doing that, right?

But I also knew that I had to get over this. So, I was practical about it. I told myself that we are trying to save money, and maternity clothes are very expensive, and that I'd be doing me and my husband a favor if I bought some second-hand maternity clothes from this Totswap. At first, I even convinced my husband to go with me, but on Saturday morning, I realized that I wanted to go by myself, because this was a moment I'd need to handle on my own. I wanted to be alone during it.

So, early on Saturday morning, I woke up and got dressed and headed to the fairgrounds. I wanted to get there when they opened because it's sort of a "first come first serve" sort of thing. When I arrived, there was a line of moms (and some dads!) that curved around the building. I parked and joined the line, listening to the conversations around me and watching little kids try to jump into puddles when their parents weren't watching.

When it came time to actually go in, as soon as I crossed through the door, I realized that I was doing something that I'd never do before. I was surrounded by baby clothes, toys, sleepers, rockers...everything! And I was doing this willingly! And? I wasn't even upset. Sure, I felt out of place, but I knew that I wasn't out of place at all. This was my place now. With all the other moms.

I zoomed to the maternity section and started to go through the clothes selection, cramming items into my oversized Ikea bag. I realized about halfway through that I had no idea how to buy maternity clothes, and wondered if half of what I was buying was going to even fit me. I thought about asking another nearby mom, but I didn't want to sound stupid, so I kept snatching clothes and hoarding them in my bag instead.

When I was done, I decided to go roam around and look at the other baby things. I think I really needed to do that for myself. In a way, it was reaffirming that I am actually a mother to an actual baby. I looked through crib bedding and a mountain of baby baths. I looked through the baby toys, the baby packs, the diaper bags, the cribs. I wove through the aisles of baby clothes, separated by boys' and girls' clothes, and pretended like I was looking to buy an outfit. Then it hit me: Why not actually buy an outfit?

This was the biggest obstacle of mine. I mean, sure. I made a baby hat and one baby bootie, but I don't actually have ANY baby things. At all. So, I chose a gender neutral Calvin Klein onesie set, and a pair of footie pajamas with duckies all over them, and I happily shoved them into the bag as well.

When all was said and done, I spent about $120 and bought 8 or 9 maternity shirts, four maternity pants, and the baby items. I made out really well! And I walked out feeling like a real mom. :)

So, how am I feeling lately? Great! My back isn't hurting as much as it did before, and seeing as that was the most painful issue, I'm happy about that. I still have to work on eating more. Most of the time, I don't finish my meals or neglect eating at all. It's not that I feel sick when I eat, it's more that I have no desire to eat. I'm not hungry. And when I am hungry, I lean toward foods like fruits because I am ALWAYS thirsty, and I don't like eating things that make me thirstier.

Needless to say, I still haven't gained any weight. My bump keeps becoming more and more distinguishable, and that's all baby because not a single pound has been put on. :P I am happy to have a bump, though, because it makes it more believable...or real...to my husband and I. I'm enjoying our interactions more and more, and I know we are both becoming more excited about this little one joining our lives. :)

I will make sure to post some pictures later!

RESOLVE Walk of Hope Donations? (And a bump picture!)

I thought I reach out to my readership here, many of whom are struggling through or have struggled through infertility.

I am taking place in the Walk of Hope in Washington D.C. on June 22nd. It's a walk to help raise money to support RESOLVE, the national infertility organization. RESOLVE helps many families a year in many ways, and I wanted to show my support in whatever way I could.

You can donate securely on their website here if you also wish to support them. I'd truly appreciate it!

Also, here is my 14w4d bump picture. Excuse the messy hair. :)