21 Weeks: I can sit!

This week's huge accomplishment is sitting! My baby is sitting all on his own, a little longer each day. I'm so impressed with him, since he's not even five months old yet. We keep practicing with him, and he is learning how to better self correct his balance each time we do it. He's an awesome little dude!

Kaiden has also been sleeping in his nursery since Friday. We started Friday night, and so far, every night has been great. He hasn't been crying himself to sleep at all. He usually just talks to himself until he peeters out. He's been sleeping from 8pm to 4:30pm most nights as well. Yay!

We've upped his bottle intake to six ounces right before bedtime, since it didn't seem like four ounces was cutting it anymore. He still gets two bottles a day, for his reflux. I've also been trying to get him to eat rice cereal from a spoon, but that's hit or miss. He's been watching us eat with so much interest, so I try to give it to him while we are eating, which is when it works the best. I'm not rushing him, either. He loves his boobie, and he rather than then solid food any day of the week.

He's also started to reach out for my boobs and grab them, and/or bury his head into my chest to tell me he is hungry. Such a boy, huh?

He's growing up too fast. Someone tell him to slow down. :(

This is Kaiden after eating some sweet potatoes for the first time. I cheated and gave him some to try and get him to eat his rice cereal. :P

20 Weeks: Holy Attachment, Batman!

Kaiden has officially entered the "I WANT MY MOMMY" phase. It's both very heartwarming and very annoying. I especially hate when he does this with my husband. I tell DH not to take it personally, but how can you not? I can see the despair in his eyes when the baby is flipping out, tearing up and screaming for me, and there's nothing DH can do but hand him over.

Sleeping has been on and off. Some nights, all Kaiden wants to do is make sure I'm next to him.  He sometimes holds a hand up in the air and waits for me to take it, or he wants to nurse every hour or two. Other nights, he only wakes up once to be fed and is good until the morning. It's left me very tired, either way.

This past weekend was my first time traveling back home (2+ hours) with Kaiden, alone. It was very, very stressful, especially because Kaiden was tired of being in his car seat. One night, while we were at the Cheesecake Factory, waiting for a table, Kaiden had an honest-to-God meltdown. He was tired, overstimulated and sick of being in his car seat. Nothing I did calmed him except for when I took him out of the restaurant all together. He was so frazzled when we got back to my mom's that I just put him into bed with me, cuddled him and fell asleep. I felt guilty and horrible all weekend, and I'm not sure when I'll do something like that again.

Otherwise, all is going well. My baby is growing every day. He started at a new day care this week, and when I picked him up on Monday, he REACHED OUT for me. I didn't realize it at first until Miss Rhonda pointed it out to me and I nearly cried. It was a sweet moment that I'd never trade. :)

Kaiden has been trying to sit up more, as well as roll over onto his tummy, which he can do, but pretty much only when he's sleeping and doesn't notice he is doing it. He scoots for his toys, screams and sings, and gives lovely belly laughs when he thinks something is funny. He also has a fondness for animals, just like mommy. <3

Breastfeeding is a Bitch

I felt inspired to write my breastfeeding post tonight. That’s because, tonight, I gave away 50 oz of milk to a couple of dads who want to make sure their daughter gets breastmilk. One of the dads came to my house at 8:30 at night and I handed over the milk with tears of happiness in my eyes. I told him how much this meant to me, because I had such a hard time starting out, and now, not only am I feeding my own baby, another baby will be drinking my milk as well. It makes my heart swell. I didn’t know this man at all, but I gave him a hug and sent him on his way with the milk. My milk. Kaiden’s milk. 

So, I wanted to write this post for a long time, because while there is a ton of breastfeeding advice out there on the internet, very few of it seemed to be “real” to me. Very few took into account the misery that precedes the joy of breastfeeding. Now, I know that women don’t want to hear about how much it sucks…but they have to hear it…because when they don’t hear it, they start to feel guilty about not having an easy time of it, just like I felt guilty. So, here are some private moments from my experience that I hope can help other women who are struggling. 

Tig Ol’ Bitties

You would think that women who are made with bigger boobs should be better breastfeeders…right? I mean, why have gigantic breasticles if you can’t use them well? I’ve asked myself that question many, many, many times. I have been blessed with a generous rack ever since the seventh grade. But, when it comes to breastfeeding, my boobs are a pain in the ass. 

Women with big breasts can’t necessarily just whip them out and feed their infants. We have to whip out a boob and hold it practically the whole time to keep it in place. Or you have to prop it up, or stick something under it. Oh, and forget that nursing cover. That’s more of a nuisance than it is a help…and really, it isn’t a help at all. 

Getting ready to breastfeed with giant boobs is a task all in its own. So, if you are a big-chested lady, it is completely normal for you to have to take some time to learn to set yourself up before feeding the baby. You’ll try every position in the book, you’ll use burp cloths, blankets, Boppies, pillows…all sorts of crap. And even after all that, your baby STILL might not understand why these gigantic flaps of boogie are overshadowing his face. 

What I found worked with me was rolling up a washcloth or burp cloth and slipping it under my boob to keep it propped up and the nipple where the baby could latch to it. I also like using the football hold sometimes, because the baby doesn’t have to angle his head strangely. 

Flat Nippies

My nipples were super flat. Super. Flat. All the nurses kept telling me that the baby would be able to pull them out, but all the nurses didn’t know shit. My son couldn’t latch at all because he had nothing to fill his mouth when he was latching. It wasn’t until my LC gave me hard-shell bubble shields that my nipples started to come out.

You can buy these at Babies R’ Us. I suggest the Medela ones that are slimmer and don’t look so awkward when you wear them in your bra. You should wear them all day long and take them off when you sleep. If you don’t take them off when you sleep, you will wake up with bubbles filled with milk. Trust me. 

The shields will help put pressure around your nipple to push it out. Eventually, your nipples will understand that they can’t hide forever. I used the hard shells for about a month before I ditched them. 

I also used silicone nipple shields, which are super, super annoying. Beyond annoying. They suck. I had to use these for a couple of reasons, but it was mostly to help my baby find something to latch onto, since my boob just wasn’t doing it. Eventually, I had to keep using these for an extended period of time, but it wasn’t because of my nipples; it was due to other issues my son was having.

Bad Latching/Nipple Soreness/Wanting to Die

I like to call the first couple weeks of breastfeeding “Nipple Boot Camp.” This is when your nipples are going to hurt like someone is setting them on fire every night, and you will want to instantly quit. The pain is unbearable. 

Everyone will tell you to check the latch, check the latch, check the latch. I’m no LC, but hearing that the baby has a bad latch day in and day out while you are already struggling to breastfeed your infant is exhausting. Most days, if Kaiden had a bad latch, but he was nursing? I let him. I let him because any pain was worth him being able to breastfeed. I immediately regretted it later. 

If you suspect your baby has a bad latch, please see your LC. I saw my LC every week for about seven weeks trying to get it right. My son had some rear tongue tie, had to get his tongue clipped, then had to relearn how to latch and suck all over again. It was very frustrating, and I think these weeks were the lowest weeks I had breastfeeding. I don’t know what I would have done without my LCs. More on them later. 

There were some nights when the pain was so bad, I’d cry after every feeding, stick my boobies in some hot salt water and pout. It made me miserable and depressed. No one likes to be in constant pain…but a mother will choose to be in constant pain if it meant the best for her child. Especially a mother who is struggling and already feeling guilty. Which leads to my next point:

Depression/Guilt/Struggling with Breastfeeding

There is a strange phenomenon that surrounds breastfeeding these days. Absolutely no one has to be actively shaming you for not breastfeeding your child, but you will still feel guilty about it. You will feel like the worst mother out there. You’ll feel like a failure that you can’t feed your own child. It is awful. 

On top of that, those first six weeks? They suck. Let’s not screw around here and call it something it’s not. IT FUCKING SUCKS. I even cursed there. 

I remember having a conversation with my breastfeeding friend, and it went like this: 

Me: I am so depressed. All I do all day is sit on the couch with my boob in Kaiden’s mouth. I don’t do anything for myself. I do nothing.

Friend: You aren’t doing nothing. You are feeding your baby. 

Now, she might not be happy with me saying this…but that is complete bullshit, and I am calling out anyone who thinks that it is just WONDERFUL to sit on your ass all day doing nothing, smelling like sour milk, fighting with your baby to breastfeed and waiting until it’s night time so you can sleep for about two hours and get away from it all. That is BULLSHIT. 

This was one of the hardest parts for me. I already suffer from depression, and having to sit on the couch and do nothing but feed my baby (the pump afterwards) wasn’t helping. On top of that, I wasn’t getting any sleep because I’d have to fight with Kaiden every nursing session at night, and it’d last anywhere from one to two hours long. Every two hours, I was fighting to feed my baby…and it wore me out quickly. 

So what did I do?

Use a Damned Bottle

I used a damned bottle. Kaiden had some weight gain issues in the beginning due to the poor latch, tongue tie, flat nipples, etc.. I had to start supplementing with formula, and I tried, Lord, I tried using the SNS system, but it was too much every time i had to feed him. I had to prepare the SNS system, tape it to my boob, line it up with the nipple shield, weasel it into the baby’s mouth, then unclamp the tube to make the formula flow. Every single feeding was a circus. 

I went to the pediatrician, and he told me straight up, “It is okay if you are giving him a bottle.” Now, I know this is not popular opinion, and there’s the whole nipple confusion camp that I do not subscribe to or believe in…but I was putting so much added pressure on myself to try and do this the way the breastfeeding books suggest I do it…and it just wasn’t working. 

Kaiden took the bottle right away. He was two weeks old. He gained weight. I used a bottle every other feeding for his supplementation. He didn’t die. He still knows how to breastfeed. He never confused my nipple with anything else. 

Using a bottle was always a source of contention between the EBF (exclusively breastfeeding) moms and me. Even if they didn’t mean it, every time I had an issue with breastfeeding, they would blame it on the bottles. “Oh, maybe he’s not breastfeeding well during the day because you use bottles at night.” No. He’s not breastfeeding well during the day because babies need to LEARN to breastfeed. Some babies are really quick at it, some babies have trouble. I don’t think I started to comfortable nurse until around 12 weeks. That’s two times longer than most moms say breastfeeding gets easier. 

I took a lot of flak for choosing to use bottles in addition to breastfeed. And if I mentioned formula on top of that, HOLY SHIT. The truth is, I chose to use bottles to supplement because my baby was rapidly losing weight. I chose to use bottles for night feedings because it would take, on average, about an hour and a half to feed Kaiden each nursing session, and most of that hour and a half was fighting with him as he screamed and cried, to latch. It was a miserable experience for the both of us. 

I will never forget what my lactation consultant told me, a woman whose whole job is to encourage breastfeeding. She said, “Stephanie, it doesn’t matter HOW your baby is being fed, what matters is that he is eating, he is healthy and he is happy.” 

Suck on that, all you breastfeeding judgers out there. 

Give Yourself a Break

You need one. Sometimes, this means having to give daddy a bottle to feed baby at night. Sometimes, this means you’ll have to give formula for a feeding or two so you can pump and build up a supply before you go to work. Sometimes, this might mean that you go into the bathroom, shut the door and cry, cry, cry. 

All of this is okay. 

In the end, you are the mommy, and you know what is best for your child. Try not to feel guilty about anything. We are our own worse enemies. 

It took me a long time to learn that I wasn’t doing anything wrong and to BELIEVE it. 

If breastfeeding works out for you — awesome. If it doesn’t? That’s okay. Formula isn’t going to kill your child. It’s not “bad” for your child. You aren’t less of a person for having to use it. Heck, I still use formula for Kaiden’s reflux…and sometimes I use it when I need a damned break. That’s my business, my decision…and everyone else can deal with it if they have an issue. 

Good Luck, Mommas!

18 weeks: Four month check up

Check up went well. Kaiden is well ahead of his milestones, and the doctor's impressed. A couple of days ago, he scooted for the first time and pulled himself out of my lap and toward a pacifier that he wanted. I think he'll be on the move soon. He's ready to go!

Here are his stats:

Weight: 14 lbs 13 oz (21st percentile)
Length: 25 inches (46th percentile)
Head: 16.5 inches (61st percetile)

We learned that Kaiden also has eczema. Boo. It's not so bad right now. He just has a couple of patches on his cheeks from drooling so much. But, we have to stop bathing him every day and start putting lotion on him 2-3 times a day instead.

And, in other news, I am donating 50 oz of my frozen milk to a couple of dads who are visiting the area on vacation. I'm so excited! It's amazing to me that I went from struggling to feeding my own child to helping to feed someone else's child. How wonderful!

17 Weeks: Sleep Regression Has Ended!

And it couldn't have come a moment sooner. I'm still very tired from it all. I've been taking naps that last three to four hours on the weekends because my lovely husband lets me. I fall asleep while I feed the baby his night time bottle. I fall asleep with the baby before my husband comes home from work. I feel like I did this time last year, if you look back on my posts then. I was newly pregnant and tired all the damned time.

Kaiden is back to his normal self, for the most part. He is still waking up once at night around 2 to eat, and I am hoping he goes back to dropping this feeding at some point. And there are some mornings he insisted on eating at 5, 6 and 7, but they are getting to be less and less.

He has been trying to roll from his back to his tummy and almost has it. I've taught him how to scream, because I'm a masochist. He isn't being so angry anymore when we put him on his tummy for tummy time. Actually, sometimes, if we are holding him, he tries to lean to the side until we put him on his tummy across our lap, where he is content to play for a little while.

He has mastered the art of blowing raspberries. Constantly. He's learning to communicate better by looking at things he wants with his eyes or leaning toward people or things he wants. He loves to stand pretty much all the time, and we've started to put him in his high chair to sit "like a big boy." He'll be an early mover, that's for sure, be it crawling or walking. I think he'll learn to walk before he crawls, since that is what I did, and because Kaiden's always preferred to stand since he was like six weeks old.

I've been learning to speak up for myself and for him, but it's not been easy, and I still have to work on it. I have to remind myself that I am the only voice he has right now, and even if it sometimes makes things uncomfortable, I have to speak up because I'm the mommy, and he's my boy.

Also, I am going to be writing a breastfeeding post sometime soon, when I can. I feel like another update about this is needed, and I want to make it clear to other women that it will be hard, but it is not impossible.

Here's a picture of Kaiden in his high chair for the first time.

16 Weeks: The Sleep Regression Continues

You know? The four month growth spurt/sleep regression has been the worst. The WORST. We are now going on week four of Kaiden getting up at least three times a night...sometimes upwards of six, and it's just been exhausting as hell. It's especially bad when he wants to nurse for an hour every hour.

Last night, he only woke up twice, so hopefully this means he is coming out of the regression. I am certainly over it, that's for SURE.

This week, Kaiden has been trying to eat his foot. He's been experimenting with his voice and making new sounds. He's also discovered how to blow raspberries and spit bubbles on Thursday, so his shirt has been soaked through with spit and drool. That's also been what he's doing...drooling. A lot. I think he's started to teethe, even if there aren't any teeth visible. He likes to chew on his fingers, as well as my own fingers and anything else he can get into his mouth.

Breastfeeding is still going okay. I'm dealing with some oversupply and overactive let down issues again because of the growth spurt and Kaiden's reflux. It gets frustrating, but we are getting through this, just as we've gotten through the last fifteen weeks of breastfeeding ups and downs.

Here's a picture of my baby boy trying to eat his foot. He also has a scratch on his face because he likes to claw his face while he's sleeping.

14 Weeks: Sleep Training and the Early Four Month Sleep Regression

Since the week after Christmas, we have been working on sleep training. Note: This does not mean we are using the Cry It Out (CIO) method. Sleep training and CIO are not the same thing, though they are often thought to be the same thing.

Really, we have been working hard on sticking to our bedtime routine. The week before Christmas until the week after Christmas, Kaiden started to sleep through the night. Then, he hit a growth spurt, and that went to hell in a hand basket real quick. Now, at the end of Kaiden's 14th week, we are going through the four month sleep regression two months early.

Before I get into the hell that is the four month sleep regression, I want to write down what we managed to accomplish, and how we worked out our bedtime routine.

- We agreed we wanted Kaiden to be in bed by 9pm. Previously he was staying up to 11, and that was getting to be too much.

- We start our routine at 8 pm. This includes a bath every night, sometimes a belly massage before or after the bath, reading two books, saying our prayers, getting a bottle (since he will comfort nurse for while if I let him nurse, and this way, I know he's getting a full meal before bedtime), then being put down for bed.

- The first couple days were the worst...but they weren't really that bad. We had to go up a few times to assure Kaiden that it was okay and to give him his bink. We've been in the routine for a little over two weeks now, and we only go up once, if that. He's really good at self-soothing, he just doesn't like being alone in rooms by himself, and when he realizes we aren't there, that's when he gets upset.

It was nice, after we got into this routine, to have a few hours to ourselves each night before we went to bed too. It was also nice because we could sleep through the night with the baby.

Was nice.

Was.

And then the sleep regression hit. Suddenly, Kaiden started getting up for his 4 am night feeding again. Then, he started to get up for both the 4 am feeding AND the 2 am feeding. Now, we are back on his newborn schedule, for the most part. He sleeps from 9 - 2, then wakes up at 4, 5, 6, 7, and 9. It's that last stretch that has been the hardest. I would rather get three solid hours of sleep at a time, then be woken up every 45 minutes to an hour. It is wearing me out, especially because I am nursing all of those feedings.

We are thinking about using a bottle for the 2 am feeding again, like we did when he was a newborn. That would let me rest a little longer before he starts waking me up every hour until I have to go to work. The downside, I thought, would be that I'd still have to pump, but really, I don't, since he was skipping that feeding all together before. My body should know what to do. I hope.

The sleep regression also goes hand-in-hand with a growth spurt that lasts damned near a whole month, or so they say. This time, Kaiden is eating his most through the hours of 4 am and 9 am, and he seems to be eating less during the day. He is also fighting me at every chance he can get when it comes to nursing, which is super stressful.

We also tried to move Kaiden into the nursery yesterday...which didn't work. It was mostly because of me, since I got super anxious and cried as soon as I left the room. I put Kaiden back into my room. It was silly to try anyway, since he is waking up so often, and I don't feel like getting up out of bed and walking to the nursery each time he needs to eat.

So, that's what's been going on this week. Such a long, long week. I really hope this doesn't last a month.

Here he is helping mommy fold a sock: