Showing posts with label IVF. Show all posts
Showing posts with label IVF. Show all posts
Thursday, May 21, 2015
IVF PTSD: Not ready yet
I was planning on starting all my diagnostic tests and procedures during the summer, just to have them done for the year. Unfortunately, every time I look at the paperwork, I break down into sobbing and tears. I'm referring to this as my IVF PTSD.
You see, the very thought of having to go through all the tests, the blood draws the injections, the surgeries, the transfers and the waiting scares the living hell out of me. I don't know why I thought I'd not have to go through this again. As my RE stated, it would be a waste of time to do anything else, since all of the "everything else" failed.
But there's that little part of me that wants to cling to the hope that I will never, ever have to do IVF again.
Now, I have the added stress of not having my insurance cover 100% of it, since we switched insurance companies. I also have to deal with the ever-so-stupid stipulation of the insurance only covering an amount for three attempts per live birth. This means I only have three IVF/FET attempts to get a baby before it's done...forever. Unless I want to pay for EVERYTHING out of pocket...and that isn't an option.
So, I've decided that I am not ready to do IVF again yet. My parents are pushing when we will have another one (which, Kaiden is only 19 months old -- I don't understand why the pressure is on), and people are always asking me when we will have baby #2 (which, by the way, if you do this, you are a real a-hole. It's not your business, and it's not a polite question to ask). I just keep smiling, and I don't say anything, and when I do need to say something, I've been not-so-kindly telling people that it isn't their business. I
Ugh. How do IVF parents do IVF again?
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Acupuncture Visit #1
I decided to support my IVF cycle with acupuncture. I am going to a healing center that has an acupuncturist who specializes in fertility treatment and IUI/IVF support (thank you to my friend who recommended her to me!).
I feel really good about my decision, even if it's quite a drive to Owings Mills and back each week. Hopefully, it will be worth it. I'll see her once a week until the day of the embryo transfer, on which I will see her immediately before and after the treatment. After that, I'll see her once a week again until I get my positive pregnancy test.
She told me that I'm not "infertile" but "sub-fertile" and that often times, western medicine can stick labels on you that only make you more anxious and overwhelmed, which doesn't help the pregnancy process at all. So, the first thing I had to do was stop thinking of myself as being infertile.
I know that people say, "If you stop trying, it will happen." And to a fault, they are right, no matter how infuriating it is to hear someone saying "stop trying" when you've been doing everything you possibly could for fifteen months. By being labeled "infertile" I am adding an extra stressor to my life. When the body senses stress, it assumes that you are in danger, and in a woman's body, this means that it won't be optimal for pregnancy, because the body doesn't want to support a pregnancy when it is dangerous. So, getting rid of the stress through the acupuncture is part of our plan.
The second thing I have to do is to treat my body like it is already pregnant. I'm finding this to be the most difficult. I think it's because I get so bitter about not being pregnant, that it's hard to pretend like I am. The nurse at the fertility center told me to take walks every day, and I've not been doing that. I rather curl up and sleep because a little part of me wonders how pointless all of this is. It hasn't worked before...why would it work now? It's a horrible attitude to have, and thankfully I don't think about it all too much anymore. The up-side to my nurse's orders is that I have switched over to a high protein diet, so I'm hoping I see some results as far as that is concerned.
To be honest, since I've been on the birth control, I feel like I've let go of some of the stress. I am not taking my temperature every morning, I know that it doesn't matter when or if I ovulate this cycle, and I'm not spending two, agonizing weeks lamenting over pregnancy tests. It's just been very liberating on top of being very frustrating because now I wish I could foster this attitude and give myself a chance to conceive naturally...but the birth control kind of puts a damper on things.
I keep checking the calender and looking at how far away everything still is. I have two more weeks of birth control pills before I start lupron, then a week of so of that before I start my stims. And then, I have ten days of stims before I go in for my egg retrieval. It all seems so very far away, and it's hard to keep everything in perspective. My therapist keeps telling me to find something to do for myself and for Brandon during this time, and to enjoy our days without children. This has also been very difficult to do, especially when everyone around you is having babies or getting pregnant, and I am being left behind...or at least it feels that way.
I try to focus on the positives, though. So, here's a list of my positives:
1. I am preparing my body so that it is optimal for pregnancy.
2. I have time to spend with my husband that isn't hampered by a new baby.
3. If my IVF cycle is successful, my due date will be around Brandon's birthday.
4. Hopefully, with diet and exercise, I lose the mysterious weight I've been gaining.
5. I have a blessed, stable marriage and profession that can support a family.
6. I have direction in my life.
7. I have goals I strive toward.
8. I have a husband who loves me. Truly, honestly loves me.
9. I have a girl's name picked out, but no boy's name. Brandon and I are working on it!
10. I have a roof over my head. A roof that belongs to the house that we own.
11. I am mentally in a better place than I was a year ago when we first started trying.
12. I have the support of my family and friends, and I don't need to hide anything from them.
Anyway. This post is brought to you by not being able to sleep at 4am. I should get back into bed. :)
I feel really good about my decision, even if it's quite a drive to Owings Mills and back each week. Hopefully, it will be worth it. I'll see her once a week until the day of the embryo transfer, on which I will see her immediately before and after the treatment. After that, I'll see her once a week again until I get my positive pregnancy test.
She told me that I'm not "infertile" but "sub-fertile" and that often times, western medicine can stick labels on you that only make you more anxious and overwhelmed, which doesn't help the pregnancy process at all. So, the first thing I had to do was stop thinking of myself as being infertile.
I know that people say, "If you stop trying, it will happen." And to a fault, they are right, no matter how infuriating it is to hear someone saying "stop trying" when you've been doing everything you possibly could for fifteen months. By being labeled "infertile" I am adding an extra stressor to my life. When the body senses stress, it assumes that you are in danger, and in a woman's body, this means that it won't be optimal for pregnancy, because the body doesn't want to support a pregnancy when it is dangerous. So, getting rid of the stress through the acupuncture is part of our plan.
The second thing I have to do is to treat my body like it is already pregnant. I'm finding this to be the most difficult. I think it's because I get so bitter about not being pregnant, that it's hard to pretend like I am. The nurse at the fertility center told me to take walks every day, and I've not been doing that. I rather curl up and sleep because a little part of me wonders how pointless all of this is. It hasn't worked before...why would it work now? It's a horrible attitude to have, and thankfully I don't think about it all too much anymore. The up-side to my nurse's orders is that I have switched over to a high protein diet, so I'm hoping I see some results as far as that is concerned.
To be honest, since I've been on the birth control, I feel like I've let go of some of the stress. I am not taking my temperature every morning, I know that it doesn't matter when or if I ovulate this cycle, and I'm not spending two, agonizing weeks lamenting over pregnancy tests. It's just been very liberating on top of being very frustrating because now I wish I could foster this attitude and give myself a chance to conceive naturally...but the birth control kind of puts a damper on things.
I keep checking the calender and looking at how far away everything still is. I have two more weeks of birth control pills before I start lupron, then a week of so of that before I start my stims. And then, I have ten days of stims before I go in for my egg retrieval. It all seems so very far away, and it's hard to keep everything in perspective. My therapist keeps telling me to find something to do for myself and for Brandon during this time, and to enjoy our days without children. This has also been very difficult to do, especially when everyone around you is having babies or getting pregnant, and I am being left behind...or at least it feels that way.
I try to focus on the positives, though. So, here's a list of my positives:
1. I am preparing my body so that it is optimal for pregnancy.
2. I have time to spend with my husband that isn't hampered by a new baby.
3. If my IVF cycle is successful, my due date will be around Brandon's birthday.
4. Hopefully, with diet and exercise, I lose the mysterious weight I've been gaining.
5. I have a blessed, stable marriage and profession that can support a family.
6. I have direction in my life.
7. I have goals I strive toward.
8. I have a husband who loves me. Truly, honestly loves me.
9. I have a girl's name picked out, but no boy's name. Brandon and I are working on it!
10. I have a roof over my head. A roof that belongs to the house that we own.
11. I am mentally in a better place than I was a year ago when we first started trying.
12. I have the support of my family and friends, and I don't need to hide anything from them.
Anyway. This post is brought to you by not being able to sleep at 4am. I should get back into bed. :)
Sunday, April 15, 2012
IVF Update
I owe you guys an update, I know. I’ve been a little out of it of sorts as of late, mostly because I’m still sort of blind-sided by all this, and trying to cope.
We’ve decided to go through with the IVF. It was not an easy decision, and I cried for a couple of days about it because I was so stressed out and disappointed. Thankfully, I had a therapist appointment the day after I made the decision, and my doctor put things in a better perspective for me, and I felt much better after that.
My first IVF appointment went well. The nurse took some blood to test, then gave me this kit that has needles and a vial with saline solution in it. The kit is to help me practice giving myself injections, since eventually, I will have to do that. I haven’t practiced yet, but I still have two weeks before that has to happen.
The first step forward feels like a huge step backward. I have to go on birth control for three weeks. I know. It makes no sense. But, it does make sense as far as the whole process goes. Since I’ve been on hormones the past three months, my body is all out of whack. The birth control will regulate those hormones and get them back into a good place. It also helps to prevent over stimulation of the ovaries, or OHSS, a potential complication of IVF treatment.
After three weeks, I will start Lupron injections. Lupron keeps my body from ovulating while my ovaries are stimulated to produce as many follicles as they can.
After two weeks of injections, I’ll arrange my egg retrieval. It’s a minor surgery where they will go in and collect all the eggs they can. During this process, we want there to be lots of good eggs, since I can have the other embryos frozen and if this cycle doesn’t produce a pregnancy, I won’t have to go through the whole process again.
Around the week of the 21st of May is when the IVF will actually take place. After the eggs are retrieved and fertilized, it takes about three to five days for them to mature enough to be transferred back into the body. We are going to transfer two back to increase our chances of one of them implanting. Two is the most they will let me transfer at my age. I COULD ask for three, but they would heavily advise against it. Two is enough for me. :)
Then, it’s back to playing the waiting game to see if they have made themselves snug and cozy in my uterus.
The process is not going to be easy. It’s going to be stressful and it’s going to suck big time...but it’s what I have to do, so I may as well get on with it, right?
Continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. At some point, they have to work. We really appreciate all the support that has been offered to us so far, and all the positive thinking will result in something beautiful in the end...I hope.
<3
We’ve decided to go through with the IVF. It was not an easy decision, and I cried for a couple of days about it because I was so stressed out and disappointed. Thankfully, I had a therapist appointment the day after I made the decision, and my doctor put things in a better perspective for me, and I felt much better after that.
My first IVF appointment went well. The nurse took some blood to test, then gave me this kit that has needles and a vial with saline solution in it. The kit is to help me practice giving myself injections, since eventually, I will have to do that. I haven’t practiced yet, but I still have two weeks before that has to happen.
The first step forward feels like a huge step backward. I have to go on birth control for three weeks. I know. It makes no sense. But, it does make sense as far as the whole process goes. Since I’ve been on hormones the past three months, my body is all out of whack. The birth control will regulate those hormones and get them back into a good place. It also helps to prevent over stimulation of the ovaries, or OHSS, a potential complication of IVF treatment.
After three weeks, I will start Lupron injections. Lupron keeps my body from ovulating while my ovaries are stimulated to produce as many follicles as they can.
After two weeks of injections, I’ll arrange my egg retrieval. It’s a minor surgery where they will go in and collect all the eggs they can. During this process, we want there to be lots of good eggs, since I can have the other embryos frozen and if this cycle doesn’t produce a pregnancy, I won’t have to go through the whole process again.
Around the week of the 21st of May is when the IVF will actually take place. After the eggs are retrieved and fertilized, it takes about three to five days for them to mature enough to be transferred back into the body. We are going to transfer two back to increase our chances of one of them implanting. Two is the most they will let me transfer at my age. I COULD ask for three, but they would heavily advise against it. Two is enough for me. :)
Then, it’s back to playing the waiting game to see if they have made themselves snug and cozy in my uterus.
The process is not going to be easy. It’s going to be stressful and it’s going to suck big time...but it’s what I have to do, so I may as well get on with it, right?
Continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. At some point, they have to work. We really appreciate all the support that has been offered to us so far, and all the positive thinking will result in something beautiful in the end...I hope.
<3
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