2 Weeks Old: Motherhood and Breastfeeding

I have been debating starting a new blog to take over from here, but I don't know. Part of me thinks that it would be most considerate, but the other part of me wants to keep it all together. My journey has not ended, not by any means. If you thought PCOS stopped at getting pregnant, you're sorely misinformed.

Motherhood has been wonderful so far. I love it. I love it because I love my little man, and I love when my husband shows his love for our son. Everyone is right: The pain and frustration and rejection that you feel to get to this point? You forget all of it. When I don't get any consecutive sleep through the night, I don't wake up angry or cranky. I wake up next to my baby, totally and utterly in love.

The most difficult process of motherhood so far has been breastfeeding for me. I've been through some breastfeeding drama in the past two weeks, and it runs an emotional toll on me. Everything that I've ever read and have been told has said that breastfeeding is going to be hard, especially in the first two weeks. "Hard" is an understatement.

The difficulty started in the hospital. Kaiden wouldn't latch, and as much as I tried to point this out to people, they kept telling me that he is learning and I am learning and it will take some time. So, four days later, just before I was about to be discharged, I asked to talk to another lactation consultant. She came in and said that the baby's weight loss was not acceptable (as I was being told) and that we had to get him eating right away, since he was dehydrated and lethargic. We fed him a bottle of formula, then she taught us how to use a nipple shield and a SNS system. My discharge was delayed another few hours so we could get the hang of the new nursing routine.

Despite the SNS system and the formula supplementing, Kaiden lost more weight in a few days, and was down a whole pound from his birth weight. The pediatrician told us to up the formula supplementation and come back at the end of the week. I went back to the lactation consultant, who worked with me to get Kaiden to latch and mentioned that he might have a minor case of rear tongue tie. She referred us to an ENT, then taught us some more tricks of the trade to help with nursing. Of course, everything she did worked while we were there, but when I got back home, the fight continued to get Kaiden to latch.

So, I decided to give him bottles of formula because his weight was dropping, and we needed to get him fattened up. I did breastfeeding a few times a day, then formula bottles a few times a day, and pumping in between. Ultimately, this got him back to his birth weight, but I couldn't help but to feel like a failure because I couldn't just breastfeed him alone and make sure he was healthy.

I remembered I bought Breastflow bottles, which are supposed to mimic the latch and flow of a baby at the beast, and I broke them out. I used them for a little bit to help Kaiden learn to better latch and to suck stronger, and by the end of a couple of days, he was really good at it. Then, I started to tease him with the bottle, giving him a few sucks and then putting him to the breast. His latch got stronger, and his suck was definitely better! Eventually, I phased the bottle out during the daytime all together, and I got him to breastfeed for 45 minutes to an hour at a time each session.

Then, I took him to his ENT appointment. The ENT agreed that he had minor rear tongue tie and wanted to do a frenectomy, where they cut under the tongue to "free" it up a little bit. This is a minor procedure that is done in the office under a numbing gel. It took all of five minutes, and my baby was miserable afterward. Not to mention, he wouldn't latch or suck at all in the office. The doctor said it might be because he's still hurting and to give it some time.

But, I got home, and he wouldn't latch or suck the whole day. When I woke up the next morning, he still wouldn't latch or suck. I broke down in tears and called the lactation consultant back, afraid that I had ruined my baby somehow. She had me come in right away, and we got Kaiden back to the breast, but not without some struggling. The LC told me that he was probably associating opening his mouth wide with the pain from the procedure, a minor case of PTSD, if you would. We just had to re-teach him that the breast was a safe place, and it wasn't going to hurt him.

Since I've gotten home from her today, Kaiden's been nursing almost every hour on the hour. He is also just wanting to comfort suck at the breast and fall asleep. I'm feeling much better now, and less like I "broke" my baby, but it still sucks. All of this strife just to be able to feed my kid.

I am going to keep with it. I am also going to keep using bottles for night time feedings, since that's much easier on my husband and I. I have to keep reminding myself that I had major surgery done, and that I need my rest when I can get it. Oftentimes, I forget until I've pushed myself to hard and am in pain. I have to choose my battles, and fighting a baby to breastfeed at night is one that I can easily avoid.

Anyway. That's my breastfeeding saga so far.

If any of you are reading this and can let me know if you'd like me to start a new blog for my mommy adventures, I'd love your opinions!