Week Three: The Breastfeeding Guilt

While everyone is quick to tell you how hard breastfeeding is, no one ever quite comes out to explain the numbing guilt that comes along with realizing you are failing at it.

I have been having issues breastfeeding since day one, as noted in my previous post. The previous post ended on a positive note. I didn't know then that the very next day, K would go right back to refusing the breast. I also didn't know how much it would rip my very soul apart and send me into a spiraling sadness. By the end of Monday night, I was convinced that he must hate me if he doesn't want me to touch him or feed him. I know now, looking back at that moment, that it's a ridiculous thought. But, I was so distraught then, that I really thought he hated me, and my husband had to sit beside me and console me as I resorted to a bottle and formula in tears.

And why was I in tears?

There's been a renewed push for mothers to breastfeed. The "breast is best" campaign, as it is frequently referred to. It's all you hear about during your pregnancy, all you hear about in the hospital, and when you get home and are struggling, it's all you think about. Breast is best. Breast is best.

But, not all mothers can breastfeed. Some for physiological reasons, some because their babies just refuse to nurse, and some due to schedules or babies being in the NICU or whatever it may be. These mothers? I am sure these mothers carry a weight of guilt on their shoulders because of factors they cannot control...and it's not fair.

I am one of those mothers. And it kills me when I think about how I may not be one of the lucky mothers who gets to hold their babies to the breast and watch them suckle and be nourished. All of that Monday, I cried and cried and cried. It didn't help that Monday night into Tuesday morning, Kaiden decided it was time to clusterfeed every hour or less, and I didn't get any sleep at all. Finally, at around four in the morning on Tuesday, I woke my husband up, sobbing and begging him not to go to work and leave me alone. We ended up calling his mom, who hit the road at five in the morning to drive an hour and a half down here to help me out.

It took all of Tuesday for me to realize that this was beyond ridiculous. Sure, I can feel sad about this not working the way I thought it would, but to feel devastated the way that I was was beyond irrational. I spoke to the lactation consultant who very plainly said to me, "What matters is that you are feeding your baby. Period. It doesn't matter if it is from the breast. It doesn't matter if it is from a bottle. It doesn't matter if it is formula. What matters is that he is growing and healthy, and that you are healthy as well." It really helped me to hear her say this, even if I had been trying to convince myself of this truth for the last couple of days.

I had no choice but to resort to bottles and formula since Kaiden was still cluster feeding, and I couldn't keep up pumping with how much he was eating. Over the days, it became a lot less stressful for me and him. I followed the LC's advice, to offer the breast for every feeding, give it five minutes and five minutes only, and then move to a bottle so we aren't both stressed out. That was my routine. Offer the breast, and don't feel bad if he doesn't take it.

On Thursday, I got him to latch twice, once with a shield, and once without. The time without, I just let him lay in front of me on a pillow, my breast out for him to take, only if he wanted it. I waited for him to root and move for the breast. I didn't bring it to him. That worked out really well. Today, I offered the breast some more, and he did a one-sided feeding in the afternoon (without a shield), and two, two-sided feedings this evening, almost back-to-back since he's still acting insatiable. I am so proud of him, and when I look down and see him nursing, I am happy that I didn't quit, but I am also proud of myself for knowing that it was perfectly okay to have to put breastfeeding aside too.

So, for those mothers out here who are struggling like I am, just know that as much pressure that is put on you to breastfeed, it is okay to let it all go if it isn't working out. Another mother at my new mother's group told me, "You want to look back at these days as being precious to you. You don't want to look back at them and regret being miserable the whole time because you wanted to live up to someone else's standards."

I am going to keep going with this with the mind that if I can't get him to ever breastfeed exclusively, there's nothing wrong with it. My baby will be healthy, even if I supplement with formula, and even if I am using a bottle. Hell, I was raised on formula and a bottle, and I'm not a complete wreck, right? :)