Why am I so sad after weaning?

Those are the words I typed into google when my husband couldn't figure out why I would be bawling my eyes out over my son having self-weaned. That night, my son didn't ask to nurse before bed, which was getting to be routine, but what wasn't routine was that it was his first day without nursing at all, despite all of my attempts, all the times I offered.

The next day, he nursed a couple of times, but I was pretty sure he wasn't actually getting anything. Yesterday, it was the same way, except he only tried to nurse in the morning, and didn't once ask for mikies the rest of the day. Not even when I tried on bras for fifteen minutes in a dressing room. Normally, if boobs are out, then he wants them. He stares at them and grabs for them and WANTS them. But yesterday, he just went on bumbling about the dressing room, not once asking for his boobies.

And that is when I realized it was over. He has weaned. At 17 months, he has decided to stop, and while I am so proud of this accomplishment, I am also sad because I wasn't ready to stop. I didn't want to stop yet. This wasn't my goal. But Kaiden doesn't know I have a goal. Or had a goal.

I think I am a little sad because this has come about in a rather jarring way. For the whole month of February, I've been bleeding. I've been to the ER once, I've been downing birth control pills (a few a day) like they are candy...and I knew that this was wreaking havoc on my supply and the quality of the milk Kaiden was getting. The last I tasted it (to see if it was the milk he couldn't stand), it was very salty, and that was at the start of the month.

I started to notice that he wasn't swallowing when nursing, which was a sign that he wasn't getting anything, and he was just using me for comfort. I didn't want to believe it, though. I didn't want to admit that my dysfunctional body is what was ending my breastfeeding journey short. I see it now, though, and I don't blame Kaiden. Who wants salty milk anyway?

I am writing this at 5:30. Normally, at this time, I am finishing nursing Kaiden and hurrying to get dressed for work and out the door. It has been a hectic morning schedule since my work schedule changed this year, mostly because I never knew how long Kaiden would want to nurse, or if he'd wake up earlier to nurse and then I'd be stuck awake since 4 am since my alarm goes off at 5.

Instead of nursing, though, I got dressed for work instead. I didn't go in to ask Kaiden if he wanted any milkies, or take him from his crib to the rocking chair where he nursed. I've decided to not go into his room to wake him.

He didn't have an easy night last night, for some reason, and kept waking up. Each time that I went in there to hold him, he never asked to nurse. That is what he'd normally want to calm him down, but last night, he just wanted to fall asleep in my arms, against my chest, with his thumb in his mouth.

And I realized that it was okay. I realized that I didn't have to ask him if he wanted to nurse this morning. I realized that today is the day my son has weaned. It's the day I won't offer it to him. If he wants it, I'll offer, but otherwise, we will go about our day as mommy and baby, just without the boobie inbetween.

Here is a picture I snapped a week ago, knowing that my time breastfeeding Kaiden was running out. It's not the best picture, but it is precious to me to have captured the moment.