Progesterone Test

On Tuesday, as I wrote, I went in for a progesterone test to see if I actually ovulated or not. Though the nurse did not say what my progesterone level was, she did say she was going to call in a provera script to end my cycle.

Something inside of me told me not to pick up the prescription yet, and to wait until the weekend to take it. So, yesterday, my temp went up a little bit, and today, it shot back up to 97.9, which is around my normal post-ovulation range. I checked my cervix, and it finally dropped back down to "low" which is normal after one ovulates. If my temperature stays where it is today or goes up higher, then it's an indication that I probably ovulated on Tuesday, the day of my progesterone test. This would make sense, because the test wouldn't have picked up an increased level of progesterone yet, if I was ovulating on that day.

Of course, none of this means anything until we see what tomorrow's temperature is. But, maybe I'm not out this cycle yet. Maybe there's still a little bit of hope?

Yesterday, after going back to Philadelphia to go with my friend to her sonogram appointment, I was inspired to finally call up Johns Hopkins Fertility Center to make an appointment for a second opinion. I need to move forward. I can't just sit here and do nothing because my clinic decided to play the weight game and blame everything on that. My appointment is on October 30th. Hopefully, then, I'll have some more answers.

Anyway. I'll keep you updated.

I would like to be normal...

I'm not sure if it's because I am going through a slump or not, but, I'm feeling rather broken again. It's a passive sort of broken. Like, in the back of my mind, I know I am busted goods, and I don't know why I'd ever be optimistic about anything.

I was hoping, after my failed IVF cycle, that I'd be able to magically go into a normal cycle and get pregnant and let it be a little miracle. It's what I desperately wanted, deep down inside. Just so I could laugh at all the crap I had to go through and realize I never had to do it in the first place.

So, this cycle, I started to take the Pregnitude supplement that Dr. P. suggested I take. This is supposed to make my cycles regular and my eggs healthier. He did say it would take two or three months to work. I was also told by the nurses that I would probably ovulate later than "normal" because of the failed IVF cycles.

If you don't remember, I started out the cycle thinking I was maybe pregnant, or that I ovulated REALLY early, because my period wasn't normal, and my temperatures were still up. The test came back negative and neither happened. No big deal! At least, that is what I thought to myself. I have the rest of the cycle, right?

Then fertility friend tells me that I ovulated on CD 22, which isn't really late for me, but then again, I ovulate all over the place and don't really have a "normal" to compare to. I am happy with this because although Brandon and I aren't really "trying" per se, I still managed to get a shot in during the fertile window. Next up? The two week wait. Two weeks go by. No period. No positive pregnancy test. I start to doubt in the middle of this wait if I ovulated at all, since my temperatures have gone up, but they aren't in my normal post-ovulation range. But, I chalked it up to being a post-IVF cycle. It's not supposed to be normal, right?

Right. Not normal at all. Three weeks go by. Still no period. Then I think maybe I really ovulated two days ago. My temperature shot up yesterday, confirming this. At least, I thought it confirmed this. But when I woke up today and took my temperature, it was low again.

And this is when I started to get angry and upset. Angry because as I logged into the chat this morning, someone else got a BFP. Someone else that isn't me. Upset because my body is playing games again.

So, I got pissed and I called up the RE. I don't care if they gave up on me. I am paying them; they are going to listen to me. I told them I wanted to come in for bloodwork so I can get some provera and start a new cycle, and I got into the clinic this morning. The blood results? All the nurse said was, "You are going to start provera." So, that means I probably didn't ovulate, and I am not pregnant.

Again.

I am going to wait until Friday to start taking it, I think. A little part of me is hoping that maybe I did JUST ovulate and it isn't showing in the bloodwork yet. But, at the same time, I don't know who I am kidding. It never works out for me. Why should this?

I don't even remember the last time I ovulated on my own, without medication.

I really just want to be normal. The bitterness is sinking in. All this hard work with losing weight and whatever is pissing me off when it's not doing anything. I stopped taking the supplement.

I just want to shut off.

Checking In

It's been a while since I posted, so I thought I'd check in and let those of you who are still following this blog know how things are going.

Since the WTF appointment, I've been pretty relaxed. I didn't think about TTC at all and avoided fertility friend, for the most part. I was temping here and there, but nothing consistent. I really felt great not being bound by everything I was before.

And then I started to realize that while I am generally doing okay, that there's a little part of darkness in me that is festering and growing. I don't know if I am angry or sad, but it hurts from time to time. Some days, it is better than others. Most days, I should say, it is better than others. But on the days where it hits me like a ton of bricks,  it's not  okay.

Tonight, it's hit me like a ton of bricks.

I feel angry. I am angry at myself. I'm angry that I don't work the way most women do, and because of that, I'm suffering.

I feel abandoned. I feel like my clinic gave up on me, sent me home and told me to lose weight because there's nothing else left for me to do.

I feel annoyed. I get annoyed with people who put their hopes and dreams into ART (artificial reproductive technology) because I put my hopes and dreams into it, and it failed me five times, not including my clomid cycles.

I feel cheated. I feel cheated because I'm 27 and relatively healthy, and there should be no reason why I can't get pregnant when there are people who are older and weigh more than I do, and they get pregnant just fine.

I feel left behind. It's hard listening to everyone talk about their kids. It's hard seeing the happy baby bump pictures and baby update posts on facebook.

And I feel sad. In October, it will be two years. Two years ago, I stopped my birth control pills. I never thought that I'd still be child-less two years later. I keep thinking about all the times I've told myself, "Well, next Thanksgiving, we'll have a baby with us" or "This summer, I'll be pregnant" and then Thanksgiving passes by...and Christmas...and summers...and I have nothing to show for it. And although I've never had a child, I still feel like I'm missing something on those days. Sometimes, I even feel like on top of failing myself, I'm failing others as well.

I've gotten better at accepting the fact that this is never going to be easy for me. I even wonder if it will ever happen at all. But whenever I see a mother and her child, or a pregnant woman, or hear about it...it stings. Deep down, it hurts.

I think, what I might do, is call up the clinic tomorrow and get my charts from them. Then, I'm going to go to Shady Grove or Johns Hopkins and seek another opinion. I've been putting it off because, truthfully, I'm not ready to go back into IVF. But I am also growing uncomfortable with wasting my time.  I've been trying to ignore this as well, the whole feeling like me not doing anything is ultimately wasting more time, when I could be doing SOMETHING. I have to center myself again, and remind myself that I am doing something by getting myself in a healthier place, even if, right in this moment, I don't believe that for a moment.

Anyway. I had to get up out of bed to get all of this out of my head and on to paper, so to speak. I feel a little better, I suppose.

I hope I can check back in with some good news at some point.