Tuesday, September 25, 2012

I would like to be normal...

I'm not sure if it's because I am going through a slump or not, but, I'm feeling rather broken again. It's a passive sort of broken. Like, in the back of my mind, I know I am busted goods, and I don't know why I'd ever be optimistic about anything.

I was hoping, after my failed IVF cycle, that I'd be able to magically go into a normal cycle and get pregnant and let it be a little miracle. It's what I desperately wanted, deep down inside. Just so I could laugh at all the crap I had to go through and realize I never had to do it in the first place.

So, this cycle, I started to take the Pregnitude supplement that Dr. P. suggested I take. This is supposed to make my cycles regular and my eggs healthier. He did say it would take two or three months to work. I was also told by the nurses that I would probably ovulate later than "normal" because of the failed IVF cycles.

If you don't remember, I started out the cycle thinking I was maybe pregnant, or that I ovulated REALLY early, because my period wasn't normal, and my temperatures were still up. The test came back negative and neither happened. No big deal! At least, that is what I thought to myself. I have the rest of the cycle, right?

Then fertility friend tells me that I ovulated on CD 22, which isn't really late for me, but then again, I ovulate all over the place and don't really have a "normal" to compare to. I am happy with this because although Brandon and I aren't really "trying" per se, I still managed to get a shot in during the fertile window. Next up? The two week wait. Two weeks go by. No period. No positive pregnancy test. I start to doubt in the middle of this wait if I ovulated at all, since my temperatures have gone up, but they aren't in my normal post-ovulation range. But, I chalked it up to being a post-IVF cycle. It's not supposed to be normal, right?

Right. Not normal at all. Three weeks go by. Still no period. Then I think maybe I really ovulated two days ago. My temperature shot up yesterday, confirming this. At least, I thought it confirmed this. But when I woke up today and took my temperature, it was low again.

And this is when I started to get angry and upset. Angry because as I logged into the chat this morning, someone else got a BFP. Someone else that isn't me. Upset because my body is playing games again.

So, I got pissed and I called up the RE. I don't care if they gave up on me. I am paying them; they are going to listen to me. I told them I wanted to come in for bloodwork so I can get some provera and start a new cycle, and I got into the clinic this morning. The blood results? All the nurse said was, "You are going to start provera." So, that means I probably didn't ovulate, and I am not pregnant.

Again.

I am going to wait until Friday to start taking it, I think. A little part of me is hoping that maybe I did JUST ovulate and it isn't showing in the bloodwork yet. But, at the same time, I don't know who I am kidding. It never works out for me. Why should this?

I don't even remember the last time I ovulated on my own, without medication.

I really just want to be normal. The bitterness is sinking in. All this hard work with losing weight and whatever is pissing me off when it's not doing anything. I stopped taking the supplement.

I just want to shut off.




2 comments:

  1. Don't shut off. I know there is almost nothing I can say that won't inadvertently hurt your feelings; but you are not broken. You are perfect the way you are. I know!, I hear you screaming it between the letters and spaces of your posts, that you desperately, more than anything else in the world want to carry your own baby. But it's not worth losing yourself over it in the process. I know you come here to vent and curse the universe for being unfair to you but I hope this is where the bitterness, self loathing and emotional ass kicking ends. I know you don't want to hear it but...it's all going to be OK!!! Worst, I mean WORST case scenario: You never get pregnant!

    The world will not implode, The dead will not rise from the grave, the secret women's society will not capture you and rip your uterus out based on the fact that you did not produce offspring, your husband who vowed 'til death do you part, will not leave you and your family will not turn their back on you.

    The world will still turn, you will still be loved and you will still be a WOMAN.

    This is only one episode of your life. It's quite small actually. It's hard to not obsess over it because it is sooo important to you. I get that. But please try not to wallow in it.

    You're a beautiful person inside and out, we can tell this just from your words of hope and fear. We know this because that is why your husband chose you all those years ago. Don't lose sight of that!

    What's your plan?
    How much longer are you (and hubby) giving your selves to pursue this goal?

    What will you do if this time passes and you were unsuccesful?

    I think it would be better for you to focus on questions like that, (you don't need to give anyone the answers except maybe hubby) rather than kicking youeself in the ass. Because that is exactly what you're doing. No one can definitively control your fertility issues. It's basically out of everyone's hands (except, if you believe, God, or faith or whatever!) but YOU have the power to continue loving yourself.

    Don't stop living! Live in in every aspect of the word.

    Don't shut off.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. <3

      My plan right now is to get a second opinion. I will update about it tomorrow.

      Again, thank you so much for your words.

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