I would like to be normal...

I'm not sure if it's because I am going through a slump or not, but, I'm feeling rather broken again. It's a passive sort of broken. Like, in the back of my mind, I know I am busted goods, and I don't know why I'd ever be optimistic about anything.

I was hoping, after my failed IVF cycle, that I'd be able to magically go into a normal cycle and get pregnant and let it be a little miracle. It's what I desperately wanted, deep down inside. Just so I could laugh at all the crap I had to go through and realize I never had to do it in the first place.

So, this cycle, I started to take the Pregnitude supplement that Dr. P. suggested I take. This is supposed to make my cycles regular and my eggs healthier. He did say it would take two or three months to work. I was also told by the nurses that I would probably ovulate later than "normal" because of the failed IVF cycles.

If you don't remember, I started out the cycle thinking I was maybe pregnant, or that I ovulated REALLY early, because my period wasn't normal, and my temperatures were still up. The test came back negative and neither happened. No big deal! At least, that is what I thought to myself. I have the rest of the cycle, right?

Then fertility friend tells me that I ovulated on CD 22, which isn't really late for me, but then again, I ovulate all over the place and don't really have a "normal" to compare to. I am happy with this because although Brandon and I aren't really "trying" per se, I still managed to get a shot in during the fertile window. Next up? The two week wait. Two weeks go by. No period. No positive pregnancy test. I start to doubt in the middle of this wait if I ovulated at all, since my temperatures have gone up, but they aren't in my normal post-ovulation range. But, I chalked it up to being a post-IVF cycle. It's not supposed to be normal, right?

Right. Not normal at all. Three weeks go by. Still no period. Then I think maybe I really ovulated two days ago. My temperature shot up yesterday, confirming this. At least, I thought it confirmed this. But when I woke up today and took my temperature, it was low again.

And this is when I started to get angry and upset. Angry because as I logged into the chat this morning, someone else got a BFP. Someone else that isn't me. Upset because my body is playing games again.

So, I got pissed and I called up the RE. I don't care if they gave up on me. I am paying them; they are going to listen to me. I told them I wanted to come in for bloodwork so I can get some provera and start a new cycle, and I got into the clinic this morning. The blood results? All the nurse said was, "You are going to start provera." So, that means I probably didn't ovulate, and I am not pregnant.

Again.

I am going to wait until Friday to start taking it, I think. A little part of me is hoping that maybe I did JUST ovulate and it isn't showing in the bloodwork yet. But, at the same time, I don't know who I am kidding. It never works out for me. Why should this?

I don't even remember the last time I ovulated on my own, without medication.

I really just want to be normal. The bitterness is sinking in. All this hard work with losing weight and whatever is pissing me off when it's not doing anything. I stopped taking the supplement.

I just want to shut off.