Checking In

It's been a while since I posted, so I thought I'd check in and let those of you who are still following this blog know how things are going.

Since the WTF appointment, I've been pretty relaxed. I didn't think about TTC at all and avoided fertility friend, for the most part. I was temping here and there, but nothing consistent. I really felt great not being bound by everything I was before.

And then I started to realize that while I am generally doing okay, that there's a little part of darkness in me that is festering and growing. I don't know if I am angry or sad, but it hurts from time to time. Some days, it is better than others. Most days, I should say, it is better than others. But on the days where it hits me like a ton of bricks,  it's not  okay.

Tonight, it's hit me like a ton of bricks.

I feel angry. I am angry at myself. I'm angry that I don't work the way most women do, and because of that, I'm suffering.

I feel abandoned. I feel like my clinic gave up on me, sent me home and told me to lose weight because there's nothing else left for me to do.

I feel annoyed. I get annoyed with people who put their hopes and dreams into ART (artificial reproductive technology) because I put my hopes and dreams into it, and it failed me five times, not including my clomid cycles.

I feel cheated. I feel cheated because I'm 27 and relatively healthy, and there should be no reason why I can't get pregnant when there are people who are older and weigh more than I do, and they get pregnant just fine.

I feel left behind. It's hard listening to everyone talk about their kids. It's hard seeing the happy baby bump pictures and baby update posts on facebook.

And I feel sad. In October, it will be two years. Two years ago, I stopped my birth control pills. I never thought that I'd still be child-less two years later. I keep thinking about all the times I've told myself, "Well, next Thanksgiving, we'll have a baby with us" or "This summer, I'll be pregnant" and then Thanksgiving passes by...and Christmas...and summers...and I have nothing to show for it. And although I've never had a child, I still feel like I'm missing something on those days. Sometimes, I even feel like on top of failing myself, I'm failing others as well.

I've gotten better at accepting the fact that this is never going to be easy for me. I even wonder if it will ever happen at all. But whenever I see a mother and her child, or a pregnant woman, or hear about it...it stings. Deep down, it hurts.

I think, what I might do, is call up the clinic tomorrow and get my charts from them. Then, I'm going to go to Shady Grove or Johns Hopkins and seek another opinion. I've been putting it off because, truthfully, I'm not ready to go back into IVF. But I am also growing uncomfortable with wasting my time.  I've been trying to ignore this as well, the whole feeling like me not doing anything is ultimately wasting more time, when I could be doing SOMETHING. I have to center myself again, and remind myself that I am doing something by getting myself in a healthier place, even if, right in this moment, I don't believe that for a moment.

Anyway. I had to get up out of bed to get all of this out of my head and on to paper, so to speak. I feel a little better, I suppose.

I hope I can check back in with some good news at some point.