15 Weeks: Going Strong!

Well, I've hit 15 weeks! Yay! I'm so excited to be here, and I am so thankful for every day I get to experience this pregnancy. After suffering from infertility and so many failures, it is hard for a woman to be truly comfortable in her pregnancy. To trust it. To trust our bodies to do what they are supposed to do when they weren't before.

I have been very reluctant to buy any maternity clothes or baby supplies because of this. I know there are women out there who have bought these things before they were even pregnant, maybe because it gave them hope, but to me, it felt like I'd be jinxing it if I did so. I didn't want that symbol of crushed hope looming over me, so I never bough either. Hell, I got mad at myself for purchasing What to Expect When You Are Expecting before I was pregnant, and I had to hide it after every failure I faced.

Last week, a friend told me about the upcoming "Totswap" at the local fairgrounds that would happen over the weekend. She is a week ahead of me and was going to check out their maternity clothes and maybe some baby items. At first, I hesitated about going myself. Again, I didn't want to jinx anything, and surely, going to a consignment sale with a ton of other "real" moms would be doing that, right?

But I also knew that I had to get over this. So, I was practical about it. I told myself that we are trying to save money, and maternity clothes are very expensive, and that I'd be doing me and my husband a favor if I bought some second-hand maternity clothes from this Totswap. At first, I even convinced my husband to go with me, but on Saturday morning, I realized that I wanted to go by myself, because this was a moment I'd need to handle on my own. I wanted to be alone during it.

So, early on Saturday morning, I woke up and got dressed and headed to the fairgrounds. I wanted to get there when they opened because it's sort of a "first come first serve" sort of thing. When I arrived, there was a line of moms (and some dads!) that curved around the building. I parked and joined the line, listening to the conversations around me and watching little kids try to jump into puddles when their parents weren't watching.

When it came time to actually go in, as soon as I crossed through the door, I realized that I was doing something that I'd never do before. I was surrounded by baby clothes, toys, sleepers, rockers...everything! And I was doing this willingly! And? I wasn't even upset. Sure, I felt out of place, but I knew that I wasn't out of place at all. This was my place now. With all the other moms.

I zoomed to the maternity section and started to go through the clothes selection, cramming items into my oversized Ikea bag. I realized about halfway through that I had no idea how to buy maternity clothes, and wondered if half of what I was buying was going to even fit me. I thought about asking another nearby mom, but I didn't want to sound stupid, so I kept snatching clothes and hoarding them in my bag instead.

When I was done, I decided to go roam around and look at the other baby things. I think I really needed to do that for myself. In a way, it was reaffirming that I am actually a mother to an actual baby. I looked through crib bedding and a mountain of baby baths. I looked through the baby toys, the baby packs, the diaper bags, the cribs. I wove through the aisles of baby clothes, separated by boys' and girls' clothes, and pretended like I was looking to buy an outfit. Then it hit me: Why not actually buy an outfit?

This was the biggest obstacle of mine. I mean, sure. I made a baby hat and one baby bootie, but I don't actually have ANY baby things. At all. So, I chose a gender neutral Calvin Klein onesie set, and a pair of footie pajamas with duckies all over them, and I happily shoved them into the bag as well.

When all was said and done, I spent about $120 and bought 8 or 9 maternity shirts, four maternity pants, and the baby items. I made out really well! And I walked out feeling like a real mom. :)

So, how am I feeling lately? Great! My back isn't hurting as much as it did before, and seeing as that was the most painful issue, I'm happy about that. I still have to work on eating more. Most of the time, I don't finish my meals or neglect eating at all. It's not that I feel sick when I eat, it's more that I have no desire to eat. I'm not hungry. And when I am hungry, I lean toward foods like fruits because I am ALWAYS thirsty, and I don't like eating things that make me thirstier.

Needless to say, I still haven't gained any weight. My bump keeps becoming more and more distinguishable, and that's all baby because not a single pound has been put on. :P I am happy to have a bump, though, because it makes it more believable...or real...to my husband and I. I'm enjoying our interactions more and more, and I know we are both becoming more excited about this little one joining our lives. :)

I will make sure to post some pictures later!