Well, I thought that I was getting through this recent failure okay, but a combination of things have managed to push me into a little break down last night. Now, I'm feeling horrible. Mostly, I feel broken and useless, and maybe a little alone.
I know I have people supporting me...but they are all so far away. The people who are close to me, I feel like they just don't understand, or are keeping their distance from this, which is their right. They don't have to be involved. No one does.
I'm supposed to go to a brunch tomorrow, but I don't think it's going to happen. I tried to reach out to fix something that was making me uncomfortable, but I'm not sure that it was heard. I don't think I'm in the right state of mind to endure being around another pregnant friend. Last night, I found that even being around people with small children is starting to make me upset. It just makes me think about if things would have just worked the way they were supposed to, I'd have my baby by now, and I wouldn't be going through all these doctor's appointments and hormones and medicine to get one. I'd just have one, you know?
It's really easy to say, "It'll just mean more when you do get yours," and I know wit will, but right now, that's not the right thing to say to me. I don't know what the right thing to say is. I wish I did know, and I wish it'd make the heartbreak go away. This is the one of the most awful feelings a woman can go through, and I never thought I'd have to travel this road.
I guess that's the end of my rant today at 5:30am. I had a night of pregnancy dreams that made me wake up feeling as empty as ever, and I had to get my emotions out there so they weren't all inside of me anymore. Thanks for putting up with me, those of you who do. And I'm sorry for those of you who I might be pushing away...I'm not doing it on purpose.
No comments:
Post a Comment