I moped around for a little while, ate breakfast, put on my happy face for the husband, then moped around some more after he left for work. Then I crawled back into bed to catch up on sleep. This time, it came around a little better. I slept until noon.
When I woke up...I took another test. The last one in the house. Six hours passed by. So, something could come up, right? Right? Wrong. Still nothing. Still blank. I'm torturing myself.
That's when I realized that I have to stop this. I decided that I'd call up the nurses after their lunch time and ask if I can come in early for my beta. Hell, if my HPTs are negative at 13 DPO, there's a slim chance they are going to turn positive before Friday. I rather get this over with and not ruin my whole weekend with grieving.
So, I rehearsed what I was going to say to her over and over again in my head. Nurses are so intimidating. I hate asking them anything. I always feel like a little girl when I do. I was hoping that I'd get Nurse A on the phone, since she's my favorite and she'd understand my being neurotic over this.
After taking a shower and putting some laundry into the washer, I picked up the phone, swallowed up my pride and called. The conversation went something like this:
Nurse: Dr. P. and Dr. B.'s office.
Me: Hello, Nurse M., this is me, and I had a question to ask.
Nurse: Okay, go ahead.
Me: Well, I kind of cheated and took some pregnancy tests at home and they are all blank so I-
Nurse: I'm sorry, what did you say?
Me: *sigh* I took some pregnancy tests at home and they were all negative, so I was wondering if I could come in early for my beta.
Nurse: No. It's too early.
Me: *silence because 13 DPO isn't early, and my original beta date was 12 DPO* Really? You mean there's still some hope?
Nurse: Yes. Even a day makes a difference.
Me: Okay. Well, I guess I'll see you on Friday then. Goodbye.
End of convo. Sometimes, I feel like they just string us along. If 13 DPO is too early, then why would you have originally scheduled me to come in for my beta on 12 DPO? What kind of sense does that make? But fine. I'll cling to this little piece of hope that you planted in my head. I'll continue to endure the torture.
Naturally, the next step for a woman going through the TTC journey, after testing herself to death, is to open up her internet browser and type into google things like '11dp2dt BFN IVF' and see if anything worth while comes up. There has to be stories out there of women who have been through IVF, taken a test at the same time I have, got a BFN, and have somehow gone on to get their positive beta, right? Right. There are. Lots of them.
I'm sure I could spend all day reading about people who have taken HPTs the day of their beta, gotten a BFN and got a positive beta. And I probably will. Anything to feed the little seed of hope that is buried somewhere deep in my brain, asking to be nourished.
But I also have other things planned to keep my mind off of this. And they are:
2. Start the laundry.
3. Fold the laundry.
4. Do the dishes.
5. Bake cookies for the new neighbors.
6. Maybe blow things up on the xbox.
7. Come up with a new idea for a new book while my other books are in editing limbo.
Wish me luck.
Hey did you got bfp then ? i am on 11th day and hpt is -ve . please let me know
ReplyDeleteNo. :( I ended up switching clinics after this, then doing a third cycle at a new clinic, which was also a failed cycle. But! I had some embryos to freeze, and I ended up going through a FET that worked. :) My son is almost two now!
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