IVF#2: 13dp2dt or 15 DPO

15 DPO. 90% of women test positive by 15 DPO.

I am not one of those 90%.

My tests are still coming up negative, and I pretty much have hung up hope for this cycle. Sure, there's the slight off chance that I go in for my beta tomorrow and it comes back positive...but this far into the game, if I don't have enough HCG to light up a HPT, then it probably won't be enough to sustain a pregnancy anyway.

I made an emergency appointment with my therapist today, since I've been struggling with the fact that another cycle has failed. As always, she helped me to keep everything in perspective, and I feel much better now. Sure, I'm crushed that I went through a whole, fresh IVF cycle only to watch it crumble from the day of the ER, but it's not the end of the road for me. I can keep going.

I just need a break.

And that's my plan. I am going to start the metformin, and for the next three months I am going to do nothing but work on getting me in a healthier state. This doesn't necessarily mean I'll lose a lot of weight, but as Dr. C. said to me, what matters more is that I am healthy and physically active again, not that I am dropping pant sizes. It's a strange notion when American culture hammers into your head that your dress size is more important than your physical well-being...but she's right. I need to focus on something that is more positive than saying, "I am going to lose x amount of pounds in y amount of time."

So, here is my game plan:

1. Go for my beta tomorrow.
2. If beta is positive -- yay. If beta is negative, schedule a WTF appointment with the RE to find out what we can do to make the next round more effective.
3. I already know that metformin is part of that plan. So, start that.
4. Join the gym. It's on my way home from work now, so there's no reason why I can't make it part of my routine a few times a week.
5. Get a fertility yoga CD to do on the off days.
6. Remind myself that this is not a choice, that I have to do it if I want to get my baby.
7. Stop charting.

I have to stay positive. I will be absolutely crushed tomorrow, and I will grieve, but I will have to get over it and move forward. That's all I can do. Just keep moving forward.