Last night, I had strange dreams about a period from hell that destroyed my friendships. Don't ask. This is most likely because my new cycle has started with a vengeance, especially with a whopper of a migraine on Thursday night which had me down and out for the count.
I've been thinking about my choice to transfer back two embryos. For those of you playing along, when you transfer back two, there's an 80% chance of pregnancy and a 50% chance of twins. I will be happy with just one baby. I do not mind two babies, but it scares me. It scares me because I don't have family that lives by me, so I don't have that support to help me with that.
We are also stuck in a little, tiny house that we want out of so badly. If we have twins, I'll have to convert all of my office into a nursery, thus leaving me without an office. With just one baby, we were going to convert half the office into a nursery, since I need my writing space if I want to, you know, continue my writing career.
And don't even get me started about day care...
These are logistical things, and I am not stressing out about them because every twin mom I've spoken to has told me that they've "worked things out" and everything was fine for them in the end. I think that is true in our case. Just as long as I get a healthy baby (or two), I'll work it out somehow.
My other concern is that I always wanted to be pregnant more than once. I don't want to go through the experience one time and hang it up. Lots of people like to say, "Well, if you have two, you can get it all out of the way!" And I find that to be insensitive. That's not how all women view it. I don't want to "get it out of the way."
...do I?
After everything I've been through, part of me thinks of how I might have to bring myself to go through it all over again for another baby. Maybe it would be best to "hang it up" if we have twins, and pursue our dream of adopting instead. I don't know. It's a concession that, in my mind, I'm starting to seriously contemplate.
I told my husband that I seriously do not want to go back on birth control in the future. I don't want to stop my body from doing what it already can't do. Does that make sense? I want the chance to always be there, because it was never there for me so far. I'd love a baby to happen naturally. I really would. This is another reason I don't want to "hang it up." It's a desire that is deeply rooted in me right now. Sure, I'll be SO BLESSED with an IVF baby. So blessed. And I wonder if other women who have gone through the throes of IVF feel the same way about this...but there's something about the need to just be able to do it on my own that continues to grow deep inside me, and I can't ignore it.
Yesterday, when I was walking back to my classroom, my principal was in the hallway. We really didn't have the chance to talk since I told her the IVF attempt failed. She said nothing to me, but held her arms out to hug me, and hugged me for a good moment. Then, she said, "It will happen. I know it will." And I told her what I echo in my head every time I am feeling defeated. I tell her about a friend of mine who had to go through IUIs to get her son. She said to me that in a way, she was happy that her previous IUI attempts had failed, because if they didn't, she wouldn't have the son that she currently has. She wouldn't have *that* boy.
It's a beautiful way of looking at all of these set backs so far. Maybe the four embryos I've gone through so far just weren't meant to be my baby. Maybe God has planned for all these failures so that when I do succeed, I am succeeding with the exact baby that was meant for me and my husband. And that baby (or babies) will be so wanted and welcome when it happens.
There's my wisdom for today.
Don't let bad periods ruin your friendships.
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