When You Know You Are Crazy

This is how you know you are crazy...

I have been on a cruise for the past seven days. I have also been spotting light pink off and on. On Christmas day, my mouth tasted like metal, and I had my husband check to see if it was bleeding for some reason. But nope. I also start feeling sickish this night. It's not really nausea, but I didn't feel like eating. I thought back to a couple of weeks ago when I was wondering if I had ovulated on the birth control because I had ovulation signs. I had a cheap pregnancy test in my suitcase from like a year ago, and I thought "What the hell! I'll give it a shot." So, I peed on it and left it to develop...but then we ended up going out for Christmas. I didn't get back to the test until some time later, and when I did, I found this:

So, there's a faint line, but, I can't trust it because it is past its time, and it could be an evaporation line. So, I put it out of my mind and keep it to myself. A couple of days later, the pink spotting comes back. I decide to tell my husband. We joke about how ironic it would be, since I'm on birth control and we weren't trying at all. In the back of my mind, I think of what a miracle it would be.

Fast forward a day. At night time, I start feeling sick again. This time, though, I feel like I am actually going to get sick. I almost do, twice, and spend some time on the bathroom floor in front of the toilet, just in case. It's not sea sickness, as the boat was sailing smoothly, and really, it was just happening at night time. I get into bed and somehow fall asleep.

The next day (or was it the same day?), I have to pee every half hour. It is annoying, and I start to wonder if I should go see the ship's doctor. Eventually, at night, it stops. The spotting continues. My husband asks me if I'm still having symptoms, and I tell him I am, but try to put it out of my mind. At this point, though, I'm really starting to wonder.

Today was our last day of the cruise. We pulled into port, went home, and I went to the drug store to get a test. I take the test.

Nothing. Nothing at all. No line.

It was crazy to think about anyway. That sort of think doesn't happen to me. I am not one of those miracle stories. But for a little while, my husband and I had hope, despite the overwhelming odds against us.

If I ovulated, I have no idea what day it happened. I just know a window. That first test I took would have been around 7 DPO, pretty early for a BFP. By now,  five days later, if I was pregnant, my levels should be enough to have a good, solid line. But instead, I have a blank test.

Tonight is the last night I take birth control, then I go into the doctor's later on this week for my baseline appointment and my second biopsy. All I can do is move forward, even if this feels like some sort of cruel joke.