Looking Back and Looking Forward Infertility Style

This year has been a whirlwind of emotion, struggle and ultimately, defeat. For women suffering from infertility, the holidays are always horrible. For me, this year, I feel it doubly so. I want to recap what I've been through this year, just to slam it all into perspective.

November 2011: Doctor informed me that I have to wait two more months before I can start treatment. This was a horrible setback, since he had set me up to believe we could start right away.

Jan 2012: Our first IUI cycle. We go in with high hopes, as most IUI patients do. I think to myself, "Well, they are putting the sperm where it has to go, so how hard could it be?" I had no idea then. I find out the cycle was a bust on Feb 7th.

Feb 2012: Our second IUI cycle. This one goes over much better than the last. I have more follicles (three!), and the husband has a better sperm count. I am more optimistic than before, hoping that more is better. On March 9th, a day after my birthday, I find out that the cycle didn't work. Onwards.

March 2012: Our third IUI cycle. This time, I have four follicles, and the husband's count is okay. I'm not as optimistic. I get into the office on the insemination day only to find out that I have already ovulated three of the four follicles. I try to cling to some hope, but find out April 10th that the cycle hasn't worked. At this point, the doctor suggests that I move on with IVF. The nurse calls me at work and asks me to make a decision. I remember crying in the back office, asking myself how I am going to get through IVF, but ultimately make the decision to do so, as it's the next logical step. They start me on birth control right away, with no breaks between the IUI and IVF.

May 2012: Our first IVF attempt. I think to myself, "They are growing my baby outside of me and putting it back in, right where it has to go. How hard could it be?" I see now I should stop asking myself that question. This cycle goes over less than ideal. I go to my retrieval in a ton of pain, and when I wake up, they tell me they only got three eggs. Two of the three have fertilized, and they put the two back two days after the retrieval. On June 7th, I learn that our first attempt has failed.

June 2012: I am put back on birth control for our second attempt. I keep trying to tell myself what other seasoned IVFers have told me: the first time is an experiment. It's more likely to happen the second time.

July 2012: IVF #2. Meds are adjusted as they think I ovulated early the first time around. They keep me on Lupron longer to suppress ovulation. The doctor has hope for me and expects to retrieve 7-10 eggs. I go into my retrieval without any pain at all, and when I wake up, I am told again that they only got three eggs. The nurse tells me as I am waking up that I should think about losing weight, and that my follicles are collapsing before they can get to the eggs. I cry the whole way back home. Only one of the eggs fertilizes, and they put it back two days after the retrieval. I have very low hopes from this point on. I just know that it isn't going to work, and worse off, I'll have to put myself through this again, since I have no frozen embryos. I find out on August 10th that this cycle has failed.

August 2012: My doctor tells me that my egg quality is suffering due to my weight. He also tells me to go home and lose thirty pounds before they will try again, unless I want to look into donor eggs. I am sent home, now feeling guilty that I am the cause of my infertility. I settle in for my first unmedicated cycle in almost a year. I remain hopeful that I can do this on my own. Fifty days go by without any ovulation. I call in for a provera script to end the cycle. I also decide, toward the end of this month, that being told to go home and lose weight is not acceptable, and I arrange for a second opinion.


September 2012: I seek that second opinion and find it at a new clinic. The doctor there doesn't think anything is wrong with my egg quality, and instead, the protocols used on me the last two times weren't ideal for me or my eggs. He tells me about what he plans on doing, and does caution that if this cycle goes awry again, that I  might have to look into donor eggs -- but he really doesn't think that's the case. I decide to leave FCM and join SGF.

October 2012: I am put on birth control right away to start IVF attempt #3. I have also managed to lose almost fifteen pounds since August.

November 2012: IVF #3. This time it goes over much better than the first time. I remember laying on the table looking at the ultrasound monitor and seeing all my follicles. The nurse tells me that when I get closer to retrieval time, I'll have to take a nap while they count all the follicles. I nearly cry in joy and relief to see that I am not as dysfunctional as my previous clinic made me feel like. I actually feel like there could be some home. At retrieval time, I wake up in lots of pain and immediately worry that I ovulated early somehow. Getting to the hospital is even more painful, and when I woke up from surgery, I was in tears because the pain was so bad. My doctor himself comes to tell me that they retrieved eighteen eggs. In my drug-induced happy state, I can't stop telling my husband that they retrieved eighteen eggs, and that nothing was wrong with me after all. Out of the eighteen eggs, fifteen are mature and nine of those fertilize with ICSI. All nine of them make it to day five, and we choose to put back one and freeze the rest. I actually have something to freeze this time around! But, I find out December 3rd that IVF #3 didn't take, and I'm crushed again. This time, I take comfort in the fact that I have frozen embryos, and I won't have to do another fresh cycle.

December 2012: I've come such a long way since my IUIs. My doctor tells me that he thinks I should do another fresh cycle to change the medications slightly and stockpile more embryos, but I choose to move on with a frozen embryo transfer (FET) instead because I am mentally and physically exhausted. The other doctor informs me that I qualify for a study they are doing on endometrial biopsies on women with implantation failure, and how it increases the chances of implantation. I agree to be in the study. We also decide that we will be putting back two embryos this time around, since nothing else has worked so far. I start birth control again on December 10th and have my first biopsy done on December 20th. My next new cycle is expected to start the first week of the new year, and then it's back to waiting and hoping. Oh, I've also lost twenty pounds by this point.

And that brings me to today, December 31st...New Year's Eve. I thought by now, I'd have a baby of my own. I thought way back in January that an IUI would work, and I'd be okay. Gosh, how off I was from the truth of the situation. For eleven straight months, with only one unmedicated cycle in that time, I have been going through some sort of ART (Assisted Reproductive Technology).  Eleven months. I would have never, ever thought I'd be here, with empty arms, eleven months later. Three IUIs later. Three IVF attempts later. Nothing.

It's horribly depressing, but at the same time, I am trying to look forward. I have my frozen embryos. We are going to put back two. I have a new doctor who knows a protocol that works best for me, so even if I have to do a new fresh cycle at some point, at least I know it will not be a complete bust. I had one doctor pretty much tell me that I couldn't get pregnant using my own eggs, and my new doctor showing me that there's nothing wrong with my egg quality at all.

I am in a much better place mentally as well. Last year was very trying for me. This year, I have a new school to teach in with co-workers who are supportive and interested in what I am going through. My principal gives me a hug whenever I see her now, and she tells me that it will happen for me. Even some of my male co-workers check in on me, when I know they could not be any less interested, haha.

My husband has a better job now. He's happier too. We are in a better place financially, and though we haven't managed to sell our house yet, we have paid down our mortgage so it seems more feasible and less impossible.

And most of all, I have my husband. Yesterday, we celebrated our two year anniversary. For the past week, we've been on our very belated honeymoon, which was awesome. But, I can't help but to think, through everything we've been through, and everything I'm going through, he still stands by me and supports me. As corny as it sounds, he is my rock, my stability, and my support. No woman should have to go through what I am going through, but I am thankful every day when I remember that I have a husband who is willing to go through it with me.

Hopefully, in February, I'll be able to look back at this post knowing that all I've done has come to fruition. Hopefully, I'll have some good news then and won't have to start up another cycle. But even if I do, I know I'll be okay. As my therapist repeats to me over and over again: I will be a mother. It might not happen the way I thought I would, but it will happen.

It will happen.