I'm Still Alive

Sorry for not posting in a while. This part of IVF is the most boring, so there's not much to post about. I'm on birth control for another week and a half, and my injections start on the 3rd of July. They have decided not to lower my Lupron dose when I start my stims in hopes that this will keep me from ovulating early like last time. Other than that, everything went okay before, so they aren't changing anything else in the protocol as of now. We will see how all the bloodwork and ultrasounds go when the time comes. My first b/w u/s appointment is on the thirteenth.

I am trying to be patient and enjoy these needle-free and appointment-free days, but I really want to get on with this. I am confident that this time around, things will go a bit better, and maybe I'll get my take home baby from it all.

At the shore, I went to a psychic and she told me that I had an angel following me that seemed to be a lost baby. I told her that as far as I knew, I wasn't really pregnant, but there was something comforting about it...whether you believe in psychics or not. She also said that I'd have my baby soon, and all together I'd have three kids in my life. Annnnnd....she said a bunch of other stuff, but that seemed most relevant to this blog. :)

Hope everyone else is doing well!

Diet and Exercise

Well, it's back to dieting, and I am going to force myself to exercise. Every morning, I am going to wake up with my husband when he goes to work, eat breakfast, then go to the track and walk two miles. I need to get my weight under control, and though I have no idea what is causing the rapid weight gain (which has been happening over the past year), I know all these hormones and junk isn't helping. I need to break the cycle somehow.

As for how I've been doing...not so great. I'm still rather down, about this and other things that decided to happen all at once. Thankfully, I see my lovely therapist today, and my psychiatrist later on this week. He had me lower my medication to prepare for pregnancy, and I don't think it's been going so well. I definitely don't feel like myself, and that scares me because I don't want to go backwards and slip into a depression again. I want to stay above it. And I think staying above it and being in a healthy place is important for me and important for a pregnancy, should I ever get pregnant. It's not an easy decision to make, but I hate feeling this way, and I don't think I want to experiment anymore with playing with my dosages.

Also, you will notice I am up at 4am, which has been happening every day since my beta because I keep having horrible, stressful dreams about babies and my job and all sorts of nightmares. I don't know what to do about this, but I wish it would stop. :(

Post-Beta

Well...IVF #1 was a bust. The beta came back negative at < 2. I'm waiting to hear back from the doctor to see what the next step is. In the meantime, I am crushed. Even if I knew this was coming, to hear the words, "You're not pregnant" makes you feel so small and incapable.

Incapable isn't a strong enough word. I feel like a failure.

 I feel broken.

From the Nurse

The nurse asked me if I took a hpt before I came, and I told her I did and it was negative. I asked her when I could start a new cycle and she said we can start again as soon as I get my period.

I jokingly said, "Maybe this time I won't ovulate before the retrieval." She was surprised to hear this and asked why they didn't do an insemination if I had ovulated. I didn't have an answer. She said that when this has happened before, they did an insemination and the woman got pregnant. I told her that was really disappointing to hear.

So, she looked at my chart and blood work levels and explained them to me. My numbers were pretty much perfect, and then after the ET, they dropped off suddenly, which is why I needed the hcg booster. She looked again and again at the numbers and shook her head and said, "Something went wrong. This protocol was working perfectly for you."

So, the doctor is going to look at it all and talk to me on Monday about what we are going to change. She mentioned upping my lupron doses to suppress ovulation better, but it is up to the doctor in the end.

Benefits is going to process a new ivf cycle for me, and I will be right back on the horse again. It is easier for me to move on this way. I rather just get back to business.

It is also nice to have some answers (or not quite answers) to what happened. They didn't know I was going to ovulate ahead of time like I was told, and they are going to work to fix it this time around.

16dp2dt/18DPO: Pre-Beta

I am sick to my stomach. I tossed and turned all night long and hardly got any sleep. I am literally having to drag myself to this appointment because I really do not want to go. Why should I put myself through any more pain? I rather just stop the progesterone and move on to the next cycle.

I didn't want to have to do this again. Why is it happening to me?

15dp2dt/17DPO: Accepting Defeat

I doubt it worked.

I've doubted this for half the week. At first, it was devastating, and I cried a lot and questioned why I have to be the one to go through this. Why didn't my retrieval go as planned? Why did they let me slip through the cracks?

And then I realized that crying isn't going to get me anywhere. It is what it is. I can't change it. All I can do is suck it up and put myself through it all over again. This really sucks too, since I felt rather exhausted by the end of all the appointments and being stuck with needles...I really don't want to go through it again, but what other choice do I have?

I was a little hopeful yesterday when I got what seemed like faint lines on the dollar tree tests, but when I look at them this morning, I'm sure I was just seeing things. I took another one this morning to much the same affect. I've tortured myself enough. I don't even want to go in to get my beta blood work done tomorrow. I don't see why I need to crush myself some more.

So, I have to accept the fact that IVF #1 was a failure and move to IVF #2. As someone on FF explained to me, the first IVF attempt is more like a science experiment in the first place, and now they will know better what dosages to put me on, and how to schedule things around said doses. I am trying my best to stay positive and keep it in that light. The first time was a practice run...the second time will work.

Still, it's hard to think that I had two living things inside of me, and now they are gone. I think that's what makes me feel the worse. They were mine, and now they're nothing because I couldn't manage to let them grow.

God, I hate this process. I really, really do. 

3dp2dt/15 DPO: Hopeful to Hopeless in a Night

I think I need to accept defeat.

My test this morning is lighter than the test from yesterday morning. I was really hopeful last night, since I got some dark tests after holding for just a 1/2 hour, which was a great sign. But now, I barely have anything to show for at all. The wonfo is extremely light, and the line on the FRER isn't any better. I'm 15 DPO...my lines should be darker.

I've been a wreck all morning and went through about seven pregnancy tests. I'm feeling pretty hopeless, and the thought of having to do this all over again makes me sick to my stomach.

Here are the pictures:

This morning's FMU test on the bottom:

The FRERs with yesterday's on top, first morning urine in the middle, and second morning urine on the bottom. For some reason, nothing showed for the FMU, but the line came back for the SMU.

The SMU test:

12dp2dt or 14 DPO

Today has been a day of ups and downs. The whole first half of my day went well...but then the afternoon came and I sank into a depression. I don't know if I'm just overly-emotional or not, but ugh. I'm feeling a little better now, if not exhausted from being so down.

I bought a bunch of pregnancy tests today because I'm a sadist. I came home from running to the fertility pharmacy (yes, there is a such thing), and I took two tests, one wondfo (the cheap internet tests) and a FRER (first response early results). Both came out really faint, which made me feel like crap. I had to remind myself that I peed three times in an hour before I took those tests and that the hcg wouldn't be as concentrated. It's hard not to beat up on yourself, though.

When I got home from therapy, I tried to take a digital test, which aren't as sensitive as a wonfo or FRER. The wondfo's measure from 25 units and up. FRERs are a little more than that, and digitals are around 50 units and up. Sometimes, wondfos pick up less hcg than that, so they can be really sensitive. Anyway, I wanted to take the digi to see if my hcg is below 50 or not, since I know it is at least 25 from getting positive wondfo tests. So, I pee on this digital test, and the hour glass comes up and blinks...blinks...blinks...blinks...then...nothing. It goes blank. The damned test is broken!

So, I wait about a half hour and take another digital test (they were buy one box and get another box for free, so I have six of them!). An hour and a half isn't a long time to wait, but whatever. I took the test and it came up "not pregnant." So, using the same urine, I dipped a wondfo, which came up positive. This means my hcg is more than 25, but less than 50. So, if I take a digital test tomorrow and it comes up positive, or my wondfo is darker, then I can probably call it a true positive. We will see.

I'm so reluctant to believe these tests. I hate that stupid booster shot. :<

Hopeful again?

I think that today, I might actually start believing that this IVF just might have worked.


Here's my FMU (first morning urine -- the most concentrated of the day, and therefore most accurate to test) tests from today (bottom) and the last three days.

It really should be getting fainter...but is it?

Starting to Lose Hope (A post from yesterday)

I should stop testing. I really should. And I'm sure it's easy for you to tell me to stop testing too. Just like it's easy for other people to tell me to stop obsessing. But you know what? When you are absolutely, positively terrified of having to go through this again, it's easier said than done.

I've had a few breakdowns tonight. I'm not feeling well, emotionally. I feel like I'm heading for the hardest end of the week ever.

Here's my picture for the end of the night. Note the fading line. :(

[IMG]http://i1195.photobucket.com/albums/aa395/moonrose38/photobucket-17548-1338770237330-1.jpg[/IMG]

11dp2dt or 13 DPO

I suppose it is time for another update, right? My cramping went away by the end of Friday, but it was really bad on Wednesday and Thursday. I don't know what that was about, but I'm hoping it was some exaggerated implantation cramping or something. I didn't think that it would be that bad, though. It kind of felt like I did a billion situps and couldn't stand up straight afterward.

I am 13 DPO today, 15 days past my trigger, 5 days past my booster, and my tests are still positive, and while they are fading a little bit, they aren't as faded as they should be, or as they have been in the past. So, I am remaining cautiously optimistic. I think I mentioned this before, but the general rule of thumb is that the trigger leaves your body at 1,000 units a day. So, for a 10,000 unit trigger, it should be out of your system in about 10 days (for me, it's always taken about 6-7). So, my 5,000 unit booster SHOULD be gone by now, or at least practically undetectable. But I still have a great line going. This is the line from today (bottom) compared to yesterday's first morning urine test:

See? Hardly a difference. Some people on FF are even saying it's a little darker today. When I researched how long a 5,000 unit booster should be out of your system, though, I also found a lot of information that said to give it ten days...and I am only at five days. This reasoning comes from the half-life theory that the drug leaves your system by half every 28 hours. By that logic, I should have about 150 units left in me today, which would still show up on a pregnancy test. And, if I went by the beta chart, at the most, if I am pregnant, I would have 50ish units of hcg in me naturally, so my test should be detecting around 200 units?

Am I confusing you yet?

This is how one's mind works when they are in the two week wait and they've been told to take a booster, which messes EVERYTHING up.

This is the picture of the series, with the last test being this morning's test. It looks sort of promising when it's with the rest of them...

Ugh. Why can't this be any easier?