15dp2dt/17DPO: Accepting Defeat

I doubt it worked.

I've doubted this for half the week. At first, it was devastating, and I cried a lot and questioned why I have to be the one to go through this. Why didn't my retrieval go as planned? Why did they let me slip through the cracks?

And then I realized that crying isn't going to get me anywhere. It is what it is. I can't change it. All I can do is suck it up and put myself through it all over again. This really sucks too, since I felt rather exhausted by the end of all the appointments and being stuck with needles...I really don't want to go through it again, but what other choice do I have?

I was a little hopeful yesterday when I got what seemed like faint lines on the dollar tree tests, but when I look at them this morning, I'm sure I was just seeing things. I took another one this morning to much the same affect. I've tortured myself enough. I don't even want to go in to get my beta blood work done tomorrow. I don't see why I need to crush myself some more.

So, I have to accept the fact that IVF #1 was a failure and move to IVF #2. As someone on FF explained to me, the first IVF attempt is more like a science experiment in the first place, and now they will know better what dosages to put me on, and how to schedule things around said doses. I am trying my best to stay positive and keep it in that light. The first time was a practice run...the second time will work.

Still, it's hard to think that I had two living things inside of me, and now they are gone. I think that's what makes me feel the worse. They were mine, and now they're nothing because I couldn't manage to let them grow.

God, I hate this process. I really, really do.