Morning Sickness, You Have Found Me

I really haven't had morning sickness yet. Not in earnest. But today? Today it's hit me.

I woke up with a budding migraine and nausea. I was afraid to get out of bed, so I fell back to sleep for an hour. The second time I woke up, I forced myself to go downstairs and drink a protein shake and eat some toast. Eating/drinking protein first thing in the morning helps to ward off migraines. I still didn't feel well afterward, and I debated if I should go into work or not. I decided to go in, since I was out a day last week to attend a career fair thingy in Philly.

So, I go into work, and I come to realize real quick that it wasn't a great idea. Somehow, I made it through the day, but the students really stressed me out, so when I got home, I not only had a headache again, but I was trembling from the stress. I got in bed and slept for two hours only to wake up feeling horrible again.

The only thing I wanted to eat was mashed potatoes, but we don't have any in the house. I looked up a KFC and LO! There should have been one around the corner. Except, when I get there, I find it's been shut down. Forever. I settled with some waffle fries from Chik-fil-a instead. So, that meant that today, I ate toast, an apple and waffle fries. I forced another apple and some peanut butter down my throat so that my nutrition for the day didn't seem so pathetic.

I really wish I had mashed potatoes, though.

Ah, morning sickness. How I've waited for you. <3

Lucky?

This came up tonight on FF, and I thought I should explain where I am coming from.

Another woman told me that I am "lucky" to be pregnant. At first, this was offensive to me. It's still kind of offensive to me. I think it is hard for other people to understand why it is offensive, so, I wanted to explain where I am coming from.

I was not lucky to be diagnosed with PCOS. I've had it ever since I've had my period. That's not luck. Nor is it luck to be told that all I'd need was some clomid to help me ovulate on time in order to get pregnant. That's what my OB told me. "You are young enough. You just need to ovulate each month, and you'll be fine." That didn't happen.

It wasn't luck when all three of my IUIs failed for no apparent reason. I ovulated. My husband's swimmers are okay. They should have worked. But they didn't.

It wasn't luck that I went through two really messed up IVF attempts that produced really poor results.

It was faith and courage and a huge support system that pushed me to find a new doctor who wasn't going to give up on me.

It was a blessing that my third IVF, though it failed, produced enough embryos to freeze.

And it is a blessing that my FET attempt worked.

But it isn't luck. Luck has nothing to do with any of this.

Babies aren't born out of luck.

So, I don't want to be told, "Well, at least you are pregnant." Or that "You are lucky to be pregnant."

"At least you are pregnant?" I have been through more than most women my age and older just to conceive my first baby. If they understood this struggle, they'd probably think twice before giving me the "at least" treatment. You know who you say that to? Women with seven children who are on their eighth child and got pregnant within three months. At least THEY are pregnant. But me? I wouldn't wish what I went through to get my baby on anyone. Not anyone.

I am blessed to be pregnant. I am grateful to be pregnant. Everything happens in its own time, and I'm not going to let anyone make me feel bad that this is my time.

When The Shots Go Wrong

Tonight was another night of putting the needle in the wrong part of my butt cheek and hitting a blood vessel. I thought I'd share the gore! Please don't click if you don't want to see blooooooooood.

I still love my husband, even if he sucks at giving progesterone and estrogen shots sometimes. <3

8 Week Belly Shot

I am so dumpy and bloated, it even looks like I have a little bump! Bah.

8 Weeks? Ultrasound

I know I left everyone in the dark yesterday after my ultrasound. Well, actually, I didn't know this until I went to bed last night, since I completely forgot about updating the blog. So, here goes.

Now, yesterday I was 7w5d. I had to go back for a repeat ultrasound because at the last one, my baby didn't yet have a heartbeat. I was nervous, especially since earlier this week I was freaking out due to a rude comment someone made to me, and I thought that something might be wrong. But, at the same time, I wasn't too nervous, because I knew this would go okay.

The appointment, though, was a little strange.

The nurse (whom I never met before) greeted us and asked me how I was feeling. I told her that I have my good days and my off days, and today was an off day. At that point, I had already starting feeling crappy (it just passed 3pm, go figure), and I was developing a headache that very quickly turned into a migraine. She kind of looked at me strangely and asked if I was nauseous, and I told her that sometimes I am, and sometimes I just feel yucky, but not like I have to throw up. She also seemed confused about this too. So, she told me to jump on the table and we'll see what's going on.

I know what is going on, lady. I'm pregnant.

But, I got ready and got up on the table and waited for the doctor. It doesn't take long before he comes in, and I realize this is a doctor I've never met before. He didn't even tell me his name. I heard another patient mention something about how my doctor either had surgery  himself, or was in a surgery, and so, it made sense that I'd have some interim doctor instead, but usually it's the other doctor who practices there, so this took me by surprise.

The nurse told him I wasn't feeling well, and he asked me to lie back and get this show on the road. And so, I did.

I held my breath all for a moment until I saw, pretty much right away, that flicker of a heartbeat on the monitor, even before he got a good angle on my little squiggle. When he did, I saw it much better, and he pointed out to me that the flickering was the heartbeat. Never before was there a more beautiful sight. When he got the wand in a good position, he was able to focus in on the heartbeat and play back the sound of it, and that brought tears to my eyes. What an amazing thing, for something as small as a blueberry to have its very own heartbeat. It is truly surreal.

So, Squiggle's heartbeat is 150 bpm, which is great! Next, he measured the gestational sac, and the baby itself, and then checked my womb for any other sacs that we might have missed.  When he was all done, I sat up and he gave me my print outs from the sonogram.

And now, another confusing part.

I asked him if I was measuring okay, since last time, I was measuring a couple days behind. He replied to me, "You are measuring bigger than you should be, so it's good." But, he didn't tell me the measurement, and I was too lost in my la-la land to ask him. Later, when we were in the car, I noticed the sonogram pictures say the gestational age (which is the age from conception) is 7w1d. This means, if he is saying I am measuring "bigger" than I should be, that they are calculating my due date a different way than I am, and somehow have me back in the sixth week still?

Not only that, but after the doctor left, the nurse said to me, "Well, now we know why you are feeling sick, don't we?"

Did you look at my chart, lady? I already had three beta tests done, and an ultrasound to confirm pregnancy. I already knew why I felt sick.

I am truly wondering if either of them looked at my chart at all.

In either case, I am sticking with my due date and my calculation. That means that I am measuring a few days behind still, but that's okay, because a few days really isn't much of a difference this early on.

On the way home, my headache turned into a migraine, and I very quickly started to feel worse. I almost puked getting out of the car, and once I got into the house, I took some tylenol, grabbed my ice mask and went right up into bed to sleep it off. Thankfully, I woke up and the migraine was gone, but the nausea was not gone, and continued through the night. And today, my body has decided that it's a good thing to wake up at 4 am and be starving, so here I am, and here I go to get breakfast. :)

Oh, and here's my darling Squiggle:

For the record...

My mom gave me my shot tonight. She has never given a shot before. She managed to do it painlessly and without any bleeding.

Moms are the best.

My Husband is Trying to Kill Me

I am going on week four or five of having to do progesterone and estrogen shots. You would think my husband would be used to this by now. I mean, he can practically be a nurse at this point! But no. I am not sure if my bottom is just getting tired, or my husband is getting tired, but he seems to hit all the wrong places, sometimes leaving really bad bruises, or sometimes resulting in my having to sit on an ice pack for the rest of the night.

Tonight takes the cake, though.

So, tonight was one of my progesterone AND estrogen nights. I only take estrogen every third night. So, I get ready for the two shots. How does one get ready, you might ask? Well, you stand up, bend a little bit, and turn both your feet in toward each other. This relaxes your butt muscles so the needle hurts less.

Here I am, looking all bow-legged and hunched over, and my husband goes to give me the first shot, which he picks the estrogen, the easiest of the two because it comes out of the syringe better than the PIO, and it's much less than the PIO.

Shot goes in. I flinch because it wasn't the best deliverance, but it wasn't the worst.

Until my husband pulls the needle out. Blood literally squirted right out of my butt cheek and into the air and all over the floor. He very calmly says, "It's squirting. The blood." And here I am, trying to staunch it with a tiny alcohol wipe, but I can't see where it is bleeding, since its behind me and all. So I start blurting, "Where is it? Am I on it?"

"Yes."

Meanwhile, there is blood all over the floor. And my pants. And my hand.

While I am trying to stop the bleeding, my lovely husband suggests doing the second shot.

...I really think he's trying to kill me.

But I love him.

I could totally be done with these shots, though. Ugh.

7 Weeks!

Today, I am seven weeks along. My baby is the size of a blueberry. That's pretty big in such a short time! At the end of the week, I have my viability ultrasound. I hate that word -- viability. Ugh. Basically, it is to check if there's a heartbeat. There will be a heartbeat. I just know this little squiggle is growing because I progressively feel like more poop as the days go on.

I mentioned on my facebook page that my version of "morning sickness" actually sets in about 3pm and lasts until the evening. I don't feel too sick most of the time. Instead, it's a general feeling of malaise. I just don't feel well. It sucks because it sets in during the middle of my school day, and I feel bad for my last class, because I'm absolutely miserable by the time they come around. Ah well. They'll deal with it.

I am still very tired. I sleep every moment that I feasibly can. Sometimes, I wake up before work, then go back to bed until the very last second that I can manage without being late for school. I come home and immediately get into bed, and that's at around 5pm. I wake up and make a late dinner just before my husband gets home. And, I'm learning quickly that when I go food shopping tomorrow, I'm picking up a lot of frozen meals, because I'm just too tired to make dinner by the time I get home.

How else do I feel? Okay, I think! I'm still very nervous, but I'm remaining as positive as I possibly can. I try to avoid all negative pregnancy topics, and negativity in general. I won't let other people make me feel bad because I finally achieved pregnancy. That's just silly, especially after all I've been through.

I am taking it easy and reminding myself that I am especially delicate right now. I am not functioning like a "normal" pregnant woman is yet. I am still dependent on my progesterone and estrogen shots, and my body isn't yet as "strong" as it should be. It's still doing its job, though, and I'm putting all my trust that it will continue to do so.

Here's my first belly shot. It's not flattering at all. I dislike belly shots this early in the game, because it's just a reminder about how fat I am. But, at the same time, today I woke up and my uterus felt very heavy. It's been feeling that way all day long. At first, I was concerned and I stayed in bed. But then I read that this is normal at around seven weeks. My uterus is the size of a large grapefruit now, and my muscles are starting to shift. So, this dull, crampy feeling is normal, and I'm not going to get wrapped up in it. :)

So, here you go. Sorry for the ugly:

6w3d: Ready For Your Closeup?

Yesterday was our first OB ultrasound appointment. I took the whole day off, since I didn't know how things were going to go, and I was also way too anxious to get anything productive done in school. That, and the appointment was at 1:45, and my students don't get in until noon. By the time I got back to school, it'd practically be over.

Anyway! We arrived at the office sort of late, since my husband doesn't know how to leave the house on time. We were the only patients in the clinic, which is how I think they plan, so that the pregnant women aren't sitting along with the women still trying to get pregnant.

The nurse called us right back into the exam room, where I sat, half naked, for a good fifteen minutes, panicking inside. Before I left the house, I had a mini-breakdown in the bathroom from sheer nerves, and here I was, letting it get to me again. Finally, Dr. Y. arrived, and we got down to it.

I was in crappy exam room one, where I cannot see anything on the sonogram monitor without contorting my body so I can see it. But, I could immediately make out the gestational sac when it came up. I breathed a sigh of relief. Dr. Y. measured it and said I was measuring at 5w6d, which is two days behind, but that's normal. He continued to look around, probably checking for a second sac, but didn't find one. He also couldn't find my right ovary (again), but that's not really important.

There wasn't a heartbeat yet, but that's also okay, since the heart usually doesn't start beating until six weeks, and even then, sometimes you can't see it until seven weeks. I have to go back in ten days for another scan to check for a heartbeat, but I have faith that it'll be okay. Actually, I'm kind of wondering if the doctor wasn't rushing me through the scan, if he would have seen the heartbeat, since I think I can see it on the photo.

Here's the photo:

The big, black circle is the gestational sac, which is measuring at 5w6d. The smaller circle inside of the sac is the yolk sac, and the little shrimp outlined in red is called the "fetal pole" or, in other words, the baby. Isn't she cute? Just a little squiggly. <3 I think that the bright white blip in the middle of the fetal pole is a heartbeat, but who knows?

Now, it's back to more waiting and more shots in the my poor, bruised bottom.

Out of Order Posts

The following posts are a bit out of order due to how blogger decided to post them...so. I'm sure I can figure out what order they should be in. :)

January 25th - 4dp6dt

This morning, I took a test. There was nothing there. The day before, I thought maybe I saw something on the test (an internet cheapie wonfo), so I had my hopes up that I'd actually find a line. No luck. No line.

After going to work (where I wrote my last post) and heading out to lunch with my boo, on the way home I had to stop in Rite Aid to pick up a script. I decided, while I was there, to pick up a box of two First Results Early Response test (known as a FRER in TTC land). My husband went to get his hair cut, so I'd have time to go home and take it in peace.

When I got home, that's the first thing I did. I really had to pee, and I've "held" it for at least three hours, which is a good amount to do a test. So, I went right upstairs, and I peed on the stick. Three minutes later, I went back to it to check.

A line.

Two lines.

What?

I looked at it this way and that, and once I realized what I was seeing...I cried. I cried and cried and cried like a little baby, the test shaking in my now-trembling hands. I took pictures of it and put it online so I could show my FF friends to get their opinions. They also saw the second line. We all celebrated. I am so happy. I am so relieved.

I'm scared.

I've had times in the past where I thought I've seen a line. This is the first time I've actually seen one, though...and for some reason, it's really hard to believe. The ladies on FF tell me to believe it. I finally got my baby. They also convince me to "mark" it on my chart. I've never gotten to record a positive pregnant test on my chart before...so I mark it. The program congratulates me.

Now, the husband is going to get home soon. I really wanted to tell him in a cute way....but I can't. I just want to run and tell him now. When he comes home, that's what I do. I hold him and tell him that there are two lines. There are really two lines! He looks at the picture of the test, then the test itself, but remains stoic. Like most men, he is expecting a line that is as dark as the control line -- and it doesn't happen like that at first. It starts off faint. I explain that to him and tell him to look again. He looks again and then smiles at me and says, "I reserve judgment until there's a darker line tomorrow, or you get a blood test."

I hug him again. I hug him and hug him and hug him because I know he sees it too. And I also know my husband is not good at expressing his emotions. The reaction might not be how some other husbands react, but it's how my husband reacts, and I'm okay with that.

The rest of the day happens in a giddy haze. It takes everything in me not to pee on the other FRER to make sure the one I have is not a faulty test. It takes everything in me to believe I am actually pregnant right now.

I go to bed early at 9pm, exhausted. That's the only symptom I can say I have, is being ridiculously exhausted.

Tomorrow, I'll test again.

January 26th - 6dp5dt

All night long, I've tossed and turned. Somehow, I've managed not to get up at three in the morning to test. In fact, I somehow also manage not to call the cops on my neighbors for blasting their music from 1 to 2:30 in the morning. Success!


I do wake up at 5:50, and this is acceptable enough for me. I hurry to the bathroom and use my last FRER and sit there, scared that the test won't have a line. Scared that I spent all of yesterday believing in a lie.

Three minutes later...I have my line. It's there. It's a little bit darker...I'm pregnant. I'm really pregnant.

When the drug stores open, I'm going to get a pack of digitals. I don't know if the hormone is strong enough to register on a digital test yet, but I'm going to try. Something tells me that my husband is only going to believe in something as black and white as the words "not pregnant" or "pregnant."

I am going home to Philly today for my best friend's diaper party. I am going to tell my mom, my siblings, and my best friend.

It is going to be so surreal.

I wish I could tell everyone now, but we are going to be cautious. So, you won't read these entries until some weeks later...but I'm sure it'll be worth it when you do. :)

9dp5dt or 4wks3days: Hanging in there.

It has been six days since I found out I am pregnant. It's been an interesting six days at that. I'll break them down for you!


Saturday

Saturday is when I got my first non-squinter FRER test. I went out and I bought a box of digitals with the intention of using them for both proving to my husband that there was, in fact, a line the previous day, and a darker line this morning.

While I was at Target, I went back to the baby section that I wrote about a few entries before. It was kind of scary, to the point where my tummy started to get upset from the anxiousness. I kept telling myself, though, that "I belong here now," and it was okay to look. I decided to pick up a bib that said "Grandma loves all the kisses" and a bib that said "I love dinner dates with Auntie" and since they had nothing for uncles at Target, I picked up a boy-themed set of baby mittens for my brother.

I went home and immediately went upstairs to take the digital test. There was a certain sense of dread, suddenly, about how I would feel if it came up "not pregnant" instead of "pregnant." That fear was pretty much gone in three minutes when it finally displayed "pregnant." My heart swelled with joy, and I ran the test down to my husband and waved it at him, saying, "You can't argue with the word 'pregnant!'" He smiled and said he's still reserving his judgment until beta day. Fine. Punk.

Armed with my positive digital test, I went back upstairs and arranged the gifts I bought into three bags. In my mom's bag, I put the digital test on top of the bib for grandma. Then, I put the other bib and mittens in separate bags.

Now, my family lives in Philadelphia, and I was driving up to Philly that day to drop off my dog and then drive to my friend C's house to help her out with her diaper shower and putting her nursery together. I decided to tell my mom, sister and brother because I don't know when I'll see them face-to-face again since our schedules don't always match up.

Fast forward to when I got there, I lied to them and told them that B and I forgot to give them some gifts from our cruise, and that they had to sit together and open it because I wanted to get their reactions on camera. On the count of three, they opened their packages. My brother didn't quite get it at first...my sister stared at the bib for a little bit, and my mom took out the test, looked at it, put it aside, took out the bib, looked at that, put it aside, and it wasn't until my sister said, "Wait? You're pregnant?" that my mom caught on. My sister and brother were pretty excited, but my mom was maybe in a little bit of shock. It was a little anti-climatic and not quite the reaction I thought they'd have, but meh. It was a great moment, none-the-less.

We tried to Skype my other sister, who lives overseas, but she wasn't picking up, so we didn't get a hold of her.

I also told my friend C, who was much more excited! Her little sister decided to tell everyone at the diaper party, which wasn't too bad, since I didn't really know those people, and it doesn't matter much if they want to talk about it. I went to bed early this night because I was really exhausted, which is about the only symptom I've been experiencing.

Sunday

Sunday was dedicated to helping C put together her nursery. I wrote about that in a previous post, but I will say, it was so much less stressful than I originally thought it would be (before I got pregnant) because I knew that I'd be doing this soon too.

It was fun, though, to park in this spot...not because my friend is nine months pregnant (well, yes, because of that), but also because I am now an expectant mom. And I totally plan on always parking in these spots from  now until eight months from now. Hahaha.

We were shopping for about three hours before my husband started to text me and ask where they hell we were. We spent another three hours getting the nursery in order after that, and I think we did a good job.

On our way back to Maryland, I developed a pretty nasty migraine. I ended up going to bed early again, but this time with my headache ice pack strapped to my forehead in hopes of some relief.

Oh! I also texted my dad and told him I got him an early birthday present (his birthday is on the 3rd) and sent him a picture of my "pregnant" digi. He immediately called me and was yelling, "I'm gonna be a granddad?! Am I really gonna be a granddad?" It was a great reaction. :) I was so happy to tell him that he'll finally get to be a granddad.

Monday

My first day in school after finding out. I woke up with the same migraine. I was feeling pretty miserable. Thankfully, Monday was an in-service day, so I didn't have to put up with any students. I did have to put up with a meeting, though, in which I had to sit in front of a too-bright computer screen. I kept my water bottle on my head and took two extra strength Tylenol. One of the teachers in my team, who was sitting next to me, asked if I've tried other migraine medicines. I replied to her that I couldn't take them now. My intention was not to let people know about this until after my beta test...but I don't do very well lying to people's faces. She knew what I've been going through, so she was really happy to hear it, but I asked her to keep it quiet for now, since I wasn't ready for everyone to know yet.

After the meeting, I went back to work in my classroom. An hour or so went by before my roommate asked me if I was okay because I "seemed sad." Granted, I was dragging around both because I was exhausted, and because of the migraine, which had just recently faded away. My roommate has known what I've been going through as well, and she had also gone through infertility treatment in the past, so she's been very supportive of me. So, I let her know too, and she squealed and hugged me and told me that she'd been praying for me and is so happy to hear this. She's much older than I am, so she immediately went into mothering mode to make sure I was okay. I followed her suggestion and went home to eat lunch and then take a long, long nap since I was feeling so totally exhausted.

Aside from the exhaustion, there's been a little bit of cramping, but that's it.

Tuesday

Tuesday was the first day the students have been back. It doesn't help that I woke up sort of nauseous this day, but thankfully, it went away by noon, and it wasn't too bad at all. At the end of the day, I was totally pooped, and though I told myself earlier I'd come right home and take a nap, I didn't do that at all.

I also told myself that I should stop telling people, but in the course of the day, I told another teacher, as well as my school nurse and my principal. I let the nurse know for obvious reasons, as well as the fact that I had to withdraw from our school's Biggest Loser contest that just started a couple weeks before. Let's face it -- I'm not going to be winning that contest. Haha. The nurse bounced up out of her seat and hugged me and told me to take my $20 back for the contest. Woo!

I told my principal after this, and she couldn't have been happier. She kept hugging me and told me over and over again how she's prayed for this, and how happy she was, and how I better take care of myself, even if that means I have to sit down and teach. Her support has been tantamount to all of this, since she has never once made me feel guilty for having to take time off for my IVF treatment, and she's always been behind me through the end of this journey.

At the end of the day, I went home and spent the rest of the night on the couch, taking it easy. Again, no real symptoms aside from being too tired for words. I also took my last FRER test today:

Wednesday (today!)

I tossed and turned all night long. I kept having dreams about triplets. Strange, huh? I am still crampy, but it's nothing alarming at all. Tomorrow is beta day, and I'm a little nervous about it, though I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I read so many horror stories about betas that I've scared myself.

I keep focusing on the things I am going to have to do, such as find a day care center, as enrollment is already filling up for the Fall and Winter of next year. Crazy, right? I'm trying to stay in this forward-thinking mode the best I can. No negative thoughts.

My babies are snuggled in, and I hope they are here to stay.

I will update on my beta tomorrow. Of course, you won't read it for at least a few more days, but you get the idea.

Six Weeks!

I am now six weeks pregnant. I have my ultrasound on Tuesday, and if all goes well, then I'll publish all these unpublished posts and announce on facebook. I know that's still early, but when you've been through what I've been through, I feel like I owe letting people know since they've been standing by my side for two years now.

So what has been going on?

I tried to start looking for daycares. It's not as easy as I thought it would be. They fill up very quickly in my area, and the average price is around $200/wk per infant. I'm still very tired, so the thought of scheduling day care tours after work is just not appealing to me. Also, it seems more than ridiculous to look for daycare when my baby is the size of a pea.

Everyone at work found out. Turns out, no one can keep anything on the down-low. I don't really mind this too much because I work at an alternative school with children who can be very violent, and I rather be safe than sorry and err on the side of caution when it comes to who knows and who doesn't. If more people know, the more protected I'll be.

I made it through my third and final beta. The number was 1931, and my doubling time was 40hrs. I am happy with this, even if the women on FF seem to be freaks with numbers of around 10k at this point...but my numbers are good too, darnit!

I was feeling okay for the most part, except for being dead tired. In the last couple of days, though, food aversion has been high. On Friday, I was nauseous all evening long. I only ate toast and goldfish crackers in the whole of the day. Yesterday, everything I started to eat, I stopped halfway through because it made my stomach upset, or I was just tired of eating that food. My husband's response was, "What is wrong with you? You aren't eating anything?" To which I replied, "Uh, I am pregnant."

Kind of like when he asked why I kept going to bed earlier and earlier each night. My response: "I am growing another human in me, and it's tiring work."

Men don't get it at all.

So, two more days, and you will all get your satisfaction. :)

An Open Apology Letter to My Body

Dear Body,

The last two years have been a struggle for you and me. We have certainly been through the good and the bad together. But, at the end (or is this the beginning?) of it all, I do owe you an apology.

You see, when I set off on this journey to have a baby, I didn't think it'd be as difficult as it turned out to be. I knew I was going to struggle a little bit, due to PCOS and your inability to ovulate regularly, but I didn't know that struggle would turn into an all-out war between you and me. I was told that six to twelve months was the average wait time for a "normal" couple to conceive. So when I hit six months...and then twelve months...and I made no progress, I was a bit upset, especially because within those twelve months, I spent four of them on clomid. Clomid worked the way it was supposed to, and you ovulated when you were supposed to as well...but there was still no pregnancy.

Frustrated, I moved on to the next step: seeing a reproductive endocrinologist. My hopes were renewed when I found out nothing was wrong on my husband's side, and we'd be able to start with IUIs right away. And so, we did. I had high hopes for the first attempt, which failed. I had high hopes for the second attempt...which also failed. By the time I got to the third attempt, I was already feeling defeated. None-the-less, that failed too, and you and I stood at a crossroads together.

I remember very clearly the words of the nurse that day. She told me that only I could come to the decision to move into IVF or not.

I was scared. I wasn't sure I could handle IVF. I am already balancing myself when it comes to suffering from severe depression and PTSD. IVF would jeopardize the progress I made by both introducing massive amounts of hormones into my system, and with facing the possibility that this, too, may fail. Can I go through the disappointment knowing that IVF is my last option? Where would we turn if this didn't work?

I decided to do it. What other choice did I have? I'd have to be strong. I'd have to do this. We'd have to do it. And we did do it. With one doctor, we did it twice, and both times were horrible disappointments. I was told by the doctor that my egg quality was bad, I'd probably have to use donor eggs, and to go home and lose thirty pounds before calling them back to try again.

I blamed you.

Not only did you manage to fail me through clomid and IUIs, but now you are failing me at IVF too.

Broken and defeated, I took off for a month. In this month, my best friend announced her own pregnancy to me, and while it was hard to bear, I brought myself to support her, because she needs my support. I went with her to her heartbeat appointment, and I listened to that beautiful sound over the doppler and realized just then that I can't give up. We can't give up.

That day, I called a new RE for a second opinion. I went in to meet with him a couple of weeks later. He told me he didn't think there was anything wrong with my eggs, and I agreed to head into yet another IVF cycle at this new clinic. While this cycle didn't result in a pregnancy either, it did turn out much, much better than the other cycles. Maybe you aren't as broken as I thought.

With some embryos on ice, I decided to try a FET cycle next. We put two embryos back. I had been stabbing you with needles every night. I had been praying that this time, it might work, because if it didn't work, I wasn't sure how I was going to move forward.

Just four days after the transfer, I took a test.

I got a second line.

It worked.

You worked.

I doubted you for the past two years, and now you are the only thing that can keep my baby safe and grow it until I can hold it in my arms. You are the only thing I have to rely on right now, and I feel like all I've done until this point was question you and your failing me in the past.

Please accept my apology. Please know that I need you and I to work together for the next eight months. We need to be partners in this, as I can't do it without you.

We can do this, Body. I know we can.

Love,
Stephanie

Five weeks!

Yesterday marked five weeks. I got through one more week,  yay! This week has been met with some anxiety, mostly over my Thursday betas (16 DPO = 123). As I think I mentioned before, that was in the normal range for 16 DPO, but on the low end of normal. I spent the whole weekend worrying, that is until I took a test and finally got a really dark line. That put my heart at ease.

Yesterday was my second beta at 20 DPO. Beta numbers are supposed to double in 48-72 hours at my stage of pregnancy. So, all I needed was a 246, and I would have been happy. The nurse emailed me and told me my levels rose to 627! So, that really, really made me happy. My bean is sticking and going strong!

I am feeling great, aside from the total exhaustion. Yesterday, I had my first food aversion. I don't feel nauseous or anything, but while I was eating chicken for dinner, I just...couldn't eat the chicken anymore. It was grossing me out. Instead, I ended up eating lots of rice.

I have one more beta on Thursday, and then the nurse said she'd schedule my first ultrasound for sometime mid next week.

And then, you will all be able to read my posts, finally! :)