January 25th - 4dp6dt

This morning, I took a test. There was nothing there. The day before, I thought maybe I saw something on the test (an internet cheapie wonfo), so I had my hopes up that I'd actually find a line. No luck. No line.

After going to work (where I wrote my last post) and heading out to lunch with my boo, on the way home I had to stop in Rite Aid to pick up a script. I decided, while I was there, to pick up a box of two First Results Early Response test (known as a FRER in TTC land). My husband went to get his hair cut, so I'd have time to go home and take it in peace.

When I got home, that's the first thing I did. I really had to pee, and I've "held" it for at least three hours, which is a good amount to do a test. So, I went right upstairs, and I peed on the stick. Three minutes later, I went back to it to check.

A line.

Two lines.

What?

I looked at it this way and that, and once I realized what I was seeing...I cried. I cried and cried and cried like a little baby, the test shaking in my now-trembling hands. I took pictures of it and put it online so I could show my FF friends to get their opinions. They also saw the second line. We all celebrated. I am so happy. I am so relieved.

I'm scared.

I've had times in the past where I thought I've seen a line. This is the first time I've actually seen one, though...and for some reason, it's really hard to believe. The ladies on FF tell me to believe it. I finally got my baby. They also convince me to "mark" it on my chart. I've never gotten to record a positive pregnant test on my chart before...so I mark it. The program congratulates me.

Now, the husband is going to get home soon. I really wanted to tell him in a cute way....but I can't. I just want to run and tell him now. When he comes home, that's what I do. I hold him and tell him that there are two lines. There are really two lines! He looks at the picture of the test, then the test itself, but remains stoic. Like most men, he is expecting a line that is as dark as the control line -- and it doesn't happen like that at first. It starts off faint. I explain that to him and tell him to look again. He looks again and then smiles at me and says, "I reserve judgment until there's a darker line tomorrow, or you get a blood test."

I hug him again. I hug him and hug him and hug him because I know he sees it too. And I also know my husband is not good at expressing his emotions. The reaction might not be how some other husbands react, but it's how my husband reacts, and I'm okay with that.

The rest of the day happens in a giddy haze. It takes everything in me not to pee on the other FRER to make sure the one I have is not a faulty test. It takes everything in me to believe I am actually pregnant right now.

I go to bed early at 9pm, exhausted. That's the only symptom I can say I have, is being ridiculously exhausted.

Tomorrow, I'll test again.

January 26th - 6dp5dt

All night long, I've tossed and turned. Somehow, I've managed not to get up at three in the morning to test. In fact, I somehow also manage not to call the cops on my neighbors for blasting their music from 1 to 2:30 in the morning. Success!


I do wake up at 5:50, and this is acceptable enough for me. I hurry to the bathroom and use my last FRER and sit there, scared that the test won't have a line. Scared that I spent all of yesterday believing in a lie.

Three minutes later...I have my line. It's there. It's a little bit darker...I'm pregnant. I'm really pregnant.

When the drug stores open, I'm going to get a pack of digitals. I don't know if the hormone is strong enough to register on a digital test yet, but I'm going to try. Something tells me that my husband is only going to believe in something as black and white as the words "not pregnant" or "pregnant."

I am going home to Philly today for my best friend's diaper party. I am going to tell my mom, my siblings, and my best friend.

It is going to be so surreal.

I wish I could tell everyone now, but we are going to be cautious. So, you won't read these entries until some weeks later...but I'm sure it'll be worth it when you do. :)