This came up tonight on FF, and I thought I should explain where I am coming from.
Another woman told me that I am "lucky" to be pregnant. At first, this was offensive to me. It's still kind of offensive to me. I think it is hard for other people to understand why it is offensive, so, I wanted to explain where I am coming from.
I was not lucky to be diagnosed with PCOS. I've had it ever since I've had my period. That's not luck. Nor is it luck to be told that all I'd need was some clomid to help me ovulate on time in order to get pregnant. That's what my OB told me. "You are young enough. You just need to ovulate each month, and you'll be fine." That didn't happen.
It wasn't luck when all three of my IUIs failed for no apparent reason. I ovulated. My husband's swimmers are okay. They should have worked. But they didn't.
It wasn't luck that I went through two really messed up IVF attempts that produced really poor results.
It was faith and courage and a huge support system that pushed me to find a new doctor who wasn't going to give up on me.
It was a blessing that my third IVF, though it failed, produced enough embryos to freeze.
And it is a blessing that my FET attempt worked.
But it isn't luck. Luck has nothing to do with any of this.
Babies aren't born out of luck.
So, I don't want to be told, "Well, at least you are pregnant." Or that "You are lucky to be pregnant."
"At least you are pregnant?" I have been through more than most women my age and older just to conceive my first baby. If they understood this struggle, they'd probably think twice before giving me the "at least" treatment. You know who you say that to? Women with seven children who are on their eighth child and got pregnant within three months. At least THEY are pregnant. But me? I wouldn't wish what I went through to get my baby on anyone. Not anyone.
I am blessed to be pregnant. I am grateful to be pregnant. Everything happens in its own time, and I'm not going to let anyone make me feel bad that this is my time.
Who do I need to hurt??
ReplyDeleteI honesty don't even remember who said it. It doesn't really matter!
Deleteand there are other hurtful and kind of offensive comments out there such as "The problem is that you are thinking too much about it" and others in the same nature...
ReplyDeletetry to not to listen to it, that´s what I do anyway, ... what we go through is just something most people cannot and will not understand... now aren't they the lucky ones??? I wouldn't wish infertility to the worst women in the world... nobody should go through this...
Thank you for your support! I', not really paying much attention to it. It was a passing comment, and I felt moved to write about it.
DeleteI'm so very happy for you... I don't even remember how I ran across your profile originally but I've been following you every since and was SO VERY happy you finally got your BFP and can't wait for the next milestone in your pregnancy. Just focus on you and your pregnancy and well #$@& everyone else and their opinions.
ReplyDeleteFF - DogRescueMom
Thank you! And thanks for following my blog too. :)
DeleteStopped in to read your blog after seeing your "shots gone bloody wild" post. This post struck a cord with me. I am at a year in of TTC, and I will admit, I kind of avoid the preggo people on FF. I know that one year is nothing compared to what some people have gone through. I am sooo happy for you and everyone that has finally gotten their sticky bean. Seeing your story gives hope, but yet, I still feel hopeless. Depending on when in cycle, I am in such a dark place. I have a hard time with the people that have several kids, when I wonder if I will ever have one. I will never be rude, or angry towards a FF person that is preggers, but I just can't deal with it. I sometimes end up leaving the chat room.
ReplyDeleteSo - sorry that she was rude. Some people suck. Others just can't put themselves in anyone else's shoes. One thing I have learned with TTC, is that your situation always seems worse than everyone around. Whether you have 0 kids, or 4, in your 20s, 30's 40's, we all feel desperate.
Some day I hope to be on the other side of this road.
Congratulations and I hope that you have a healthy and smooth pregnancy!
Thank you! I honestly don't think whomever said it (and I don't remember their handle, actually) wasn't saying it to be offensive. She wasn't rude about it at all, it just rubbed me the wrong way.
DeleteKeep your head up, though. You'll have your turn. I know it is hard to believe right now, and trust me, I know, but it will happen. And, as I've said in previous posts, just remember this: You will be a mommy one day. It might not be how you planned, but it will happen.
That has always gotten me through. :)
I don't think the person who said "you're lucky" meant it in such the monsterous way that you a depicting. They probably meant it as a salute to the fact that you found success through your enormous struggles. Many women going through similar struggles have not found the success you have. And when they say "you're lucky" it's not meant to say you just happened upon a baby, it's meant to say I feel hope for myself that it can happen because you went through so much and still found success. You didn't HAVE to go through the things you went through, you were fortunate to be able to have those treatments available to you. And you are fortunate that they were eventually effective. Think about it in that sense the next time you choose to get angry at someone who can empathize with your struggles.
ReplyDeleteI am unsure how I am depicting that they said it in a monstrous way, when I stated quite a few times that I don't think they did. Nor did I ever say I was angry, so, I think you just misread. :/
DeleteHere are some places where I specifically said these things:
" At first, this was offensive to me. It's still kind of offensive to me." - Notice I say that it was offensive TO ME. I didn't say that she said it offensively. She didn't.
And, in the comment directly above yours, I stated:
"Thank you! I honestly don't think whomever said it (and I don't remember their handle, actually) wasn't saying it to be offensive. She wasn't rude about it at all, it just rubbed me the wrong way."
So, yeah. I don't even recall who originally said it, that's how much it doesn't really matter to me. It was just a moment in time that inspired me to write about how I feel and nothing more. I suppose not everyone can understand that, but this is my blog, and it's not my job to please the world, it's just a place to share my story. And in sharing a story, there are always the good sides and the bad sides.
No one out there is going to tell me to move on and get over it. You don't get over these things, not even when you become pregnant.
I hope I cleared this up. I'm sure it was just overlooked.
What?! Why are you sooooo defensive! I am most certain anyone and everyone no matter what their story, feels "lucky" and "blessed" to finally get pregnant and hopefully give birth to a healthy baby. That too is also "lucky" and a "blessing". Afterall "lucky" means fortunate, and after all you have been through, I would think you feel fortunate, I dont know what's offensive about that. I love it when people say I am lucky or blessed, because when I think of all the women out there and all of their stories, i feel lucky, fortunate an blessed to be pregnant. No matter how hard, long and complicated or simple anyone's journey, if it ends empty handed, it is unfortunate! After all you have been through, I would think you would see the true positivity in your good fortune and not slit hairs over words. Afterall, like you said, she wasn't rude or trying to offend you, it was a grand gesture of happiness for you, and afterall you have been through, seems you would be grateful for that! YOU ARE SOOOOO LUCKY, NOW EMBRACE IT!!!!
DeleteAgain, I think I explained that in my post and comments. :) Po-tay-to, Po-tah-to. That's how I feel. We are all different. :) And no one said I wasn't feeling positive. I love my baby and my pregnancy. :)
DeleteWhen you are pregnant, people tend to say things that are meant harmlessly to them and can be incredibly rude to you. I heard all sorts of things when I was pregnant and now I just think twice before I say anything to a pregnant woman. You have a right to be offended, and I am sure they didn't mean it to be rude, but it doesn't mean it didn't come out that way! ((HUGS))
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