Dear Body,
The last two years have been a struggle for you and me. We have certainly been through the good and the bad together. But, at the end (or is this the beginning?) of it all, I do owe you an apology.
You see, when I set off on this journey to have a baby, I didn't think it'd be as difficult as it turned out to be. I knew I was going to struggle a little bit, due to PCOS and your inability to ovulate regularly, but I didn't know that struggle would turn into an all-out war between you and me. I was told that six to twelve months was the average wait time for a "normal" couple to conceive. So when I hit six months...and then twelve months...and I made no progress, I was a bit upset, especially because within those twelve months, I spent four of them on clomid. Clomid worked the way it was supposed to, and you ovulated when you were supposed to as well...but there was still no pregnancy.
Frustrated, I moved on to the next step: seeing a reproductive endocrinologist. My hopes were renewed when I found out nothing was wrong on my husband's side, and we'd be able to start with IUIs right away. And so, we did. I had high hopes for the first attempt, which failed. I had high hopes for the second attempt...which also failed. By the time I got to the third attempt, I was already feeling defeated. None-the-less, that failed too, and you and I stood at a crossroads together.
I remember very clearly the words of the nurse that day. She told me that only I could come to the decision to move into IVF or not.
I was scared. I wasn't sure I could handle IVF. I am already balancing myself when it comes to suffering from severe depression and PTSD. IVF would jeopardize the progress I made by both introducing massive amounts of hormones into my system, and with facing the possibility that this, too, may fail. Can I go through the disappointment knowing that IVF is my last option? Where would we turn if this didn't work?
I decided to do it. What other choice did I have? I'd have to be strong. I'd have to do this. We'd have to do it. And we did do it. With one doctor, we did it twice, and both times were horrible disappointments. I was told by the doctor that my egg quality was bad, I'd probably have to use donor eggs, and to go home and lose thirty pounds before calling them back to try again.
I blamed you.
Not only did you manage to fail me through clomid and IUIs, but now you are failing me at IVF too.
Broken and defeated, I took off for a month. In this month, my best friend announced her own pregnancy to me, and while it was hard to bear, I brought myself to support her, because she needs my support. I went with her to her heartbeat appointment, and I listened to that beautiful sound over the doppler and realized just then that I can't give up. We can't give up.
That day, I called a new RE for a second opinion. I went in to meet with him a couple of weeks later. He told me he didn't think there was anything wrong with my eggs, and I agreed to head into yet another IVF cycle at this new clinic. While this cycle didn't result in a pregnancy either, it did turn out much, much better than the other cycles. Maybe you aren't as broken as I thought.
With some embryos on ice, I decided to try a FET cycle next. We put two embryos back. I had been stabbing you with needles every night. I had been praying that this time, it might work, because if it didn't work, I wasn't sure how I was going to move forward.
Just four days after the transfer, I took a test.
I got a second line.
It worked.
You worked.
I doubted you for the past two years, and now you are the only thing that can keep my baby safe and grow it until I can hold it in my arms. You are the only thing I have to rely on right now, and I feel like all I've done until this point was question you and your failing me in the past.
Please accept my apology. Please know that I need you and I to work together for the next eight months. We need to be partners in this, as I can't do it without you.
We can do this, Body. I know we can.
Love,
Stephanie
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