4dp6dt: Hanging in There

I am hanging in there, I guess. There are times when I am very confident, and then there are fleeting moments of dread and fear that this didn't work. I try and push those moments from my mind when they come, but it's so hard not to think about it.

And these thoughts usually get out of control, like spiraling into wondering if I will need donor eggs...if I will do another FET...if I will do a new fresh cycle...if I will go back to using clomid or IUIs...if I'll just stop. What if I just can't get pregnant?

I know I've brought this up before, but when I take a moment and think about this whole situation, I think back to the distinct times as a teenager when I just knew that I'd have a hard time getting pregnant. Don't ask me how I knew...but I knew. It was always my biggest fear, and now I'm living that fear, and sometimes it seems so surreal. I ask myself over and over again why I have to go through this. Why? I'll blame myself. I'll hate myself. And then it will go away.

It is what it is. There's nothing I can do about this. I can't keep flooding my thoughts with the realization that my biggest fear has come true. It's not going to do anything for me in the long run.

Some women would have quit by now. Some would have broken under all I've been through. But I'm not quitting, and I'm not breaking. I'm fragile, sure, but I'm not breaking.

I've been trying to envision my two little embryos snuggling in, clinging to me. I've been thinking about ways I can tell my husband, my parents, his parents...I've been thinking of the day I can take a test and see two lines and not have to doubt it or any of this process anymore.

The other day, I was in a department store, and I passed by the baby section. Usually, I walk as fast as I can to get away from it, but this time, I slowed down to look at a car seat that was on sale. I touched the box, turned it around, stared at it for a long time. Next to the clearance car seats were little, tiny football onesies. All those little clothes. I don't know why I stopped. I don't know what compelled me to linger. Maybe it was the little pang of fleeting hope that told me in its soft, small voice that it's going to be my turn soon. Some months from today, I'll be able to go back to that store and actually buy some of those things...but that moment is not now. And I have to be patient.

That's going to be my next tattoo. I am getting the word "Patience" across my wrist, so I can look at it from time-to-time and remind myself that (sorry for the corny cliche proverb) this too shall pass.

On that note, last year, I had a student named Patience, and a pair of twins named Miracle and Amen. Now I understand why their mothers chose these names.

I don't think I could get away with that, though. Not without my parents punching me in the face. :)