Feelings

As a disclaimer: I love my best friend "C" with all my heart, and I do not want her to take any of this personally. Not at all. :)

Yesterday, I went on a movie date with my best friend, C, who is now eight months pregnant. I hadn't seen her in a little while, so I was happy to be able to get out and talk to her. I got to see her new house (beautiful!) and her growing tummy. I got to feel the little baby girl move around both before and during the movie. It was the sweetest, most beautiful thing. Such a miracle.

Then, at around one in the morning, I drove back to my mother's house, went upstairs, got into bed and cried. Just for a little while. I cried because that beautiful feeling is not something I can experience right now. I cried because in the two years I've been trying to have a baby, I could have had two babies by now. I cried because I've watched others of my friends get pregnant during this time, and all the while I've been at this longer than they've been. I cried because the idea of this happening naturally is something I both crave, and something I know is just not going to happen. I cried because I don't know what is wrong with me. I cried because I am scared. I am scared because I know that this FET might not work...why should I have faith in it when nothing else has worked so far? How does someone keep having faith in procedures that have continued to fail me?

When C was uncomfortable during the movie and had to get up to walk around, I worried about her, and at the same time, I *craved* wanting to feel that way. I wanted nothing more than to be uncomfortable...too uncomfortable to watch a movie, even. For just a moment, I'd do anything to feel what she is feeling. Anything.

Tonight, B accidentally stabbed me in a nerve when giving me my estrogen shot. I've been sitting on an ice pack since it hurts to sit now. This is as close to being uncomfortable as I am going to get, I guess.

Dear God, please let this be the end of my trying to conceive journey. I am tired...so, so very tired. And I am ready. I'm ready to take this on, if you would just give it to me...I would take it, and I'd be forever grateful for it.

Please.