Last night was rough for me. I cried myself to sleep. I was so afraid of getting the call this morning and hearing that it didn't go as planned. Three eggs isn't a lot. Especially when it's not guaranteed that they will even fertilized. Three eggs is hedging your bets, and the odds have seemingly been against me this whole time.
The embryologist told me that she'd call around 8 am. So, I woke up with my husband and waited around for the call. She ended up calling around 7:40.
Only one egg fertilized.
The other two fertilized with more than one sperm and had to be discarded.
I only have one embryo.
I know it's easy to say, "Well it only takes one, right?" Right. You are right. It only takes one. And plenty of women have had success with just one egg transferred. I shouldn't write myself off yet.
I think I'm more upset because of different reasons. Mostly that this is a long, long process. Two months for one cycle. It's emotionally and physically draining. You are doing things to your body month mentally and physically that aren't normal. At the end of it all, you are expecting to get enough eggs so that you can freeze the rest and not have to go through it all again the next time. Once again, I have nothing left over to freeze. If this cycle doesn't work, I'll have to start all over again, from the top. And even worse, I'm going to have to wait longer and take a break between this IVF cycle and the next while they try to figure out what is going wrong with me.
And that's my second reason. Something is wrong with me, and no one can figure out what. There are lots of different possibilities, the biggest one having to do with this sudden weight gain over the past two years. They have a tentative plan set up for next cycle...but I'm not even sure I want to bother.
I'm tired. I'm very tired.
Why is it so easy for everyone else, and so hard for me?
Now, all my hopes rest in this one little embryo, who still needs to make it through another night. My one chance.
I shall name this embryo "Hope."
I'm sorry it took all day to respond. I've been at the hospital with my dh and we just got home. I was sitting in his room reading your blog on my phone and said something very naughty out loud. So he asked what was up I gave him a summary. He knows enough about IVF to repeat the naughty word I used.
ReplyDeleteWell the point of all that rambling is that we are both thinking of you and hoping for Hope.