Torturing Myself

In two days, I start my stimulation injections (stims). I will stim for around 10-13 days, and then we’ll have the egg retrieval. This doesn’t seem so far away to people who aren’t going through this, but for me, I feel like it’s forever away, and it’s starting to get to me.

That previous calmness I’ve described before? Well, that’s melting away into anxiety dreams and a dread that this won’t work. It’s hard not to think otherwise when four treatments of clomid failed, and then three IUIs after that. I keep up on some forums and see women who have been through IVF three and four and five times, and I am terrified that will be me.

At the same time, I feel like that a month from now, I’ll be pregnant. I know it. Somewhere deep inside, I know something has to give, and that this IVF is going to work out one way or another. Right? I’m a healthy 27 year old woman…why would I have to go through any more struggling to get my baby?

What has been helping at least a little bit is reading other women’s blogs about their IVF journeys. Right now, I feel like I’m totally doing this alone, and that no one gets it but me. I don’t like to talk about it with people because I feel like they aren’t really interested, which is why I started this blog! And I’m sure these other women kind of felt the same way, and I’m glad they documented their IVF journey because it has been preparing me for the end of my own.

So, what is happening with me right now? I’m on my eighth day of Lupron shots, which have been going over okay. I’ll be on the Lupron for a little while, I think. At least until I get to the point where I need to trigger? I’m not so sure when I stop the Lupron. It doesn’t really bother me because the needle is so thin. It’s the progesterone shot that I’m worried about. I will start that after my transfer, and it is THICK.

I’m also a little nervous about the “IVF Bloat” that happens when you are taking the stims. The bloat comes from the fact that your ovaries are enlarged like…a bazillion times bigger than they should be. I’ve heard it’s uncomfortable and not very nice to look at. It looks like you are pregnant, to be honest. Just a swell of a tummy from your balloon ovaries. Haha.

I’ve also decided that mother’s day is going to suck somewhat this year. I’ll have to find my own way to cope with the fact that if I worked like a normal human being, I’d be able to actually celebrate mother’s day this year. But no. I have to be messed up and this has to be more difficult than it should be.

Something that has been echoing through my mind lately is when a co-worker asked me, “Why are you in such a rush anyway?”

I think about those words often. And how much they hurt. And how much they still hurt, even if it’s been a year since they’ve been said. The person who asked me this? She has her own baby now. But me? I still don’t have mine. I guess I wasn’t in such a rush afterall, huh?

Alright. I’m getting bitter again, so I should leave this post as it is. Thanks for reading! I’ll probably update again on Thursday after I have my bloodwork and ultrasound. J