I'm Allowed to Cry

This is what I said to my husband when he asked me why I was standing in the kitchen and crying. He replied, "Everything's going as well as it can." To which I responded with, "I shouldn't have to do all of this!" And then waved to the pills, the syringe filled with progesterone, the sharps box and the alcohol swabs. "I shouldn't have to have a conversation with you discussing if we should put back one or two embryos!"

And I shouldn't.

I found out yesterday that another one of my friends is pregnant. Just after her wedding. I am happy for her, of course, and I am happy with how everything is going for me, but I still can't ignore that big part of me that is jealous of her, and angry at myself for not working the way I am supposed to. Why can't I be like my friends and just get pregnant the normal way? Why do I have to be the one who has to go through all of this to get my baby?

And I don't want to hear anyone tell me, "Well, it will be worth it, and your baby will know how much you wanted it." I'm tired of hearing that. I'm tired of hearing it, and I am sad that my baby had to grow in a petry dish before it could grow in me.

But at the same time, I am glad that right now, I have nine little embryos floating around in a dish in a dark lab in Towson. All nine of these guys might not make it to Thursday to freeze the ones I don't use, but I have them for right now. And if this was thirty years ago, I wouldn't have this opportunity. I would be wallowing in my grief over not being able to get pregnant, month after month after month. And there wouldn't be this option. My nine embryos wouldn't even exist.

I am allowed to cry. I'm allowed to have these moments, because what I am doing is not natural by any means. What I am doing is one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do. I am also still hopped up on hormones; though, I'm down to just two now: estrogen and progesterone. Those are natural, at least. They are also the devil. If you thought I was a hormonal, emotional mess before, you've not seen anything yet.

So, while I might be crying, I am not blind to everything that has gone right for me so far. And I will list them here so I don't forget:

1. My husband. He's come a long way through this process, and though he sometimes doesn't understand feelings and emotion, I know he hurts when he sees me hurt. And I know he wants this too.

2. My friends. Sometimes I find it hard to talk to them about these things, because it makes me feel awkward. But even when I do, they support me and remind me that it will happen, even if it is not right this moment, it will happen.

3. My family. I think they are tied with my friends, really. They've also been really supportive. I told my dad that I had to miss Thanksgiving dinner with him because of the transfer and needing to be on bedrest, and he offered to come down and visit me on Thanksgiving. My mommy also offered to come down and see me on Thanksgiving. And my sister has been leaving not-so-subtle messages on facebook telling me to transfer all nine embryos...which is not going to happen. Haha.

4. My co-workers. I am so glad that I wound up where I am now. Everyone has been so supportive about this process. They ask me questions, they encourage me, and they keep me positive. My principal saw me yesterday and said she was happy I was doing okay after surgery and to keep her updated. I am really blessed that I found somewhere to work where I have this kind of support.

5. My support group. My girls on FF. They have been with me through these last two years, and though some have come and gone, there is always someone there to lift me up when I am down. <3


So, see? I'll be okay. But allow me to be sad every now-and-then, please. I'm prone to breaking out in tears. You've been warned. :P