When the Third Time Isn't the Charm

I have been trying to figure out how to write this post since last night. At first, I wanted to be bitter. I wanted to say how it isn't fair that some other people, who haven't been through half of what I've been through have their positive pregnancy tests (BFPs), and I don't have mine.

I wanted to be angry because, once again, my body has failed. me. My baby has gone through a good portion of it's development in a petry dish, and I STILL couldn't manage to grow it the rest of the way.

I wanted to be sad, because I had believed in this cycle so much...and for what?


I won't lie. I'm a piece of these and a little bit more.

As I was lying on the acupuncture table last night, I asked my acupuncturist to listen to my pulse. They can tell, through your pulse, if you are pregnant or not. It was kind of my last hope. I was wanting her to tell me that she thinks I'm pregnant. Instead, she listened to it and only remarked, "It is strong, but we have to calm your heart down." It was beating a mile per minute. I just knew, from her tone, that she didn't think I was pregnant. As soon as she left the room, I broke down in such helpless, uncontrolled sobbing.

When you suffer from depression, you have the unfortunate experience of your thoughts running away from you. Your mind does its own thing. I fell into a complete anxiety attack, and my thoughts escaped me, and I could not control them. What did I do wrong? Why am I not good enough? How can other women just get pregnant on their own, and why can't it be me? On, and on, and on.

I could hear my therapist's words, about how my thoughts are something of their own, and if uncontrolled, can trigger a downward spiral. So, I desperately went through every "tool" in my coping box to try to stop them. I used the questions that I was given on the day of my transfer: Are these thoughts helping me? No. Are they necessarily true? No. Is there a different way of thinking about this? Yes.

But it stopped there. I went right back to sobbing.

So, I broke out my next tool. Grounding. I reminded myself where I was physically. I was wearing a blue shirt. I was wearing jeans. My purse is black. I have two needles in each of my ears. There is a lamp in the room...

I know this sounds stupid. But, it works.

Once I calmed down again, I started to count the ceiling tiles. I counted them over and over and over again until the thoughts were gone, and I was calm.

Then I went back to the questions. Are these thoughts helping me? No. Are they necessarily true? No. I still have a few more days, anything can happen. Is there a different way of thinking about this? Yes. Although this time might not be a success, I was lucky enough to have four embryos make it to freeze. That means, unlike the other two failed IVFs, I do not have to start all over again. I don't have to go through the whole, horrible process from the top. I am blessed in that regard.

So, when I woke up this morning to find another negative test at 13 DPO, I knew that this was likely over. And I also knew that I can't mope about it. I can grieve, and I can be disappointed, sure. But, I also have to keep reminding myself that I have four more chances without having to ever go through another fresh cycle. And for this, I am so, so, so very grateful.

I also have read that when your estrogen level is as high as mine was, that there may be less success in implantation. In fact, at some clinics, it is protocol to "freeze all" if your estrogen is too high, which means that they freeze all the embryos and wait until your levels have dropped to do a transfer. In this way, FETs (or frozen embryo transfers) often prove more successful than a fresh IVF. So, when I go in for my FET, my estrogen won't be off the charts, and my body will be a much better incubator then.

I will be okay. I really will. I thank you for all your prayers and your support, and I ask you to continue to pray, just in case of some sort of miracle. Thor might not have made it, but my other embryo Avengers will. :)